Out of Control
by Ala Iridia
Summary: Chao and Hakase build a robot. Written round-robin style; each consecutive chapter will be written by a different author. That's the plan anyway. Don't expect too much continuity with canon. It's called "Out of Control" for a reason.
1. Mad Science

**Out of Control**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Mad Science<br>**

**By Japanese Teeth**

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><p><strong>For I am every dead thing,<br>In whom love wrought new alchemy.  
>For his art did express<br>A quintessence even from nothingness, **

**- John Donne  
><strong>

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><p>"Okay, let's see if this works..."Chao thrust her hands into the air as she released a maniacal laugh. "BWAHAHAHAHA!"<p>

There was a bright flash from the contraption behind her, coupled with the sound of a thunderclap from the enormous speaker on which it rested.

"Perfect!" She shoved her goggles onto her forehead and began fumbling along the wall for the light switch. _Why the heck didn't we make the lights voice activated? We really need to get around to that..._ There was a crash as she tripped over one of the dozen pieces of machinery that littered the floor of the workshop. As she climbed back to her feet, the lights popped back on. She squinted through the brightness to see Hakase standing in the doorway.

"Chao, what are you doing?"

"Just finishing up the Dramatic Lightening Generator." She gestured at what appeared to be an enormous Tesla coil sitting on top of a gigantic amplifier. "Watch this! BWAHAHAHAHA!" At the sound of her laugh, a massive arc shot off of the coil, and the sound of thunder echoed through the building. "Isn't it awesome? I wanted to get it done before we activate Project X. Can't activate a humanoid robot without it."

"Isn't that a waste of department resources?" Hakase eyed the device curiously.

"You kidding? I built this thing out of the spare parts in the junk room."

"Can I use it?"

"Sure. How's progress on Project X, anyway?"

"You should probably just see for yourself."

Chao followed Hakase into the next room, where Project X awaited. It had started as yet another Mahorafest project, but had quickly garnered interest from the entire department. So much so that roughly half the robotics budget had been allotted to Hakase and Chao for their experimentation. The original point had been to create a fully humanoid robot that would not fall victim to the Uncanny Valley. Chachamaru's design had been a massive step in the right direction, particularly when Hakase had engineered the synthetic skin. Naturally, the next step was to remove the robotic attributes. Chachamaru would be, in appearance at least, indistinguishable from a true human.

But still, taking that last jump from "obviously a robot" to "human" had proved a problem. Despite their mechanical expertise, getting pneumatic pumps to accurately simulate human muscle was an enormous pain. Sure, if the antennae were still visible, the robotic precision made sense, but without the antennae...needless to say, even the cats that she fed every day were slightly off put. So the antennae were going to stay on until they fixed the problem.

But Chachamaru had eventually gotten sick of being a guinea pig. Changing synthetic skins every two or three weeks was one thing, but having her arms replaced every few days was just too much. So Project X was born; a means of experimenting with humanoid robotics. The effort that the two girls put into the project was admirable.

Too admirable.

All it took was a single glance at the schematics and the department head practically dumped money on them. And as it turned out, despite their oft-repeated claim they had sold their souls to science, it was clearly evident that they were enjoying their bottomless wallet a little too much.

At first, Chao had simply expressed interest in installing an improved "offensive proton beam" in the olfactory receptors. Then a few days later, a mysterious package addressed to her had arrived at the lab, and there was a small, but noticeable dent in the budget. The floodgates had opened, and before long there were stacks of packages scattered around the lab. Most were unlabeled, although the one package that had been marked "Stage-2 propulsion unit" had raised a few eyebrows.

Chao poked her head behind the curtain which hid the project from view.

"Oh. Hmmmm." She withdrew her head. "Okay, we _may_ have gone a little overboard. I see you had some trouble installing the plasma kukri..."

"Just a little." Hakase scratched her head nervously. "Um, there's also this..." She held out a small ledger for Chao's inspection.

"We're overbudget, aren't we?" She glanced at the book. Her irises seemed to shrink into nothing as she did the calculations. "Okay, I knew that the miniature arc reactor was expensive, but I didn't think it would be _that_ much...can we send it back?"

"Only if you can come up with an alternate power source..."

"Fine, it stays." Chao disgustedly tossed the ledger onto a nearby table. "We'll probably get in hot water over it, but we have no choice." She looked at the curtain. "Do you think we're ready for the preliminary activation?"

"Well, we have no money to spend on more parts, so I suppose we might as well."

"Alright then..." Chao smiled. "I'll go get the Dramatic Lightening Generator."


	2. How We Did It

**Chapter 2: How We Did It  
><strong>

**By No Limit**

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><p><strong>For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius.<br>**

**- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, _Young Frankenstein_**

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><p>"Goggles?"<p>

Hakase allowed the rubber strap to slap the protective eyewear over her glasses, shielding all view of her eyes. "Check!"

"Rubber gloves?"

A pair of robotic arms descended from the ceiling carrying two pairs of long green rubber gloves, which they promptly slipped onto the two girls' arms. "Check!"

"White lab coats that serve absolutely no purpose other than to illustrate that we are scientists?"

Hakase flapped hers proudly. "Styling and check!"

"Excellent." Chao smirked deviously as she rested a hand upon a level attached to the side of a massive machine atop a platform. She eyed the table that had multiple wires and cables running under the white cloth into a humanoid lump formed beneath it. Finally, after all those months of toil and effort, those endless dark nights with only the flame from their blowtorches for light, the explosions that nearly destroyed an entire floor of the science building, and the staggering number of English classes they ditched; their hard work was about to pay off.

Hakase steadied a camcorder on its tripod, pointing it toward Chao and the table. She hit the red record button and quickly stepped in front of it. "This is Hakase Satomi, recording for future prosperity in the field of robotics," she stated into the camera's lens. "Filmed on location in the Mahora Academy Science Department. Preliminary test activation of Project X about to take place. For the off chance of an incident that would result in the deaths of my colleague Chao Lingshen and myself, this recording will double as our last will and testament. I leave my computers to my roommate Hasegawa Chisame and my collection of Isaac Asimov novels to the Mahora Library Exploration Club. P.S., I have also come up with a new set of robotic laws that are superior to yours. I'll be seeing you in hell, Asimov!"

"Ahem," Chao coughed. "Initiating preliminary activation." With that, Chao tugged with all her might on the lever. All the lights to laboratory flickered and dimmed as electrical power flowed through the wires and cables into the lifeless lump beneath the white cloth. The two middle school scientists stared with bated breath at it, waiting for any sort of response, any sort of reaction. After a minute of waiting, Chao said, "We need more power!"

Hakase abandoned her post behind the camera and rushed toward a circuit breaker, throwing its door open and flipping a switch. "Transferring additional energy from the backup generators!"

Chao focused intensely on the table once more, frowning at the lack of activity. Chao turned to face Hakase. "More power!"

"We're already pushing critical levels, Chao!" she shouted. "We're going to blackout all of Mahora at this rate. There _is_ no more power!"

"Not to worry," Chao said with a smirk as she looked out a window. "I have a specially-prepared power generator should we ever require any."

Satomi gasped, cupping her mouth with her hands. "Don't tell me you're going to tap into the World Tree's magical energy!"

Chao blinked. "Wait, what? No! I've got a better source of power." Leaping off the platform, Chao pushed a blue button on the wall. The laboratory's tile floor began sliding away, making way for a new base with a pair of bicycles bolted into it. She hopped on one and began pedaling like a maniac. "Will power!" she declared proudly.

"My legs are going to be needing energy in the morning, I can tell you that much…" Satomi grumbled as she sat down and pedaled the bicycle next to Chao.

"Less chatty, more leg pumpy!"

The extra boost seemed to have fulfilled the required energy as electricity could be seen jolting all around the room from the table; the light bulbs in the lamps overhead shattered into bits from excess power, electrical devices going haywire. Chao jumped off her bicycle and made a mad dash for the table. "Chao, be careful!" Satomi shouted over the roar of electrical overload.

Chao gritted her teeth as she glared at the lifeless Project X. Finally losing her cool, Chao screamed, "MOVE, DAMN YOU!" She slammed her fists onto the prototype, receiving the shock of a lifetime that sent her spinning head over heels backwards into the wall.

Hakase gasped, hopping off her bicycle as well to her friend as the power dropped. She picked Chao up by the shoulders and shook her. "Are you all right, Chao?" She mentally slapped herself at asking such a stupid question. When Chao didn't respond, she shouted, "Dammit, don't you die on me! You're the only one I have ever loved!"

Chao's eyes flickered open as she coughed up smoke rings, her hair buns and pigtails having come undone and become a frizzled mess. "Wow, what a rush! I think I saw heaven, Hakase. There were little Negi-sensei's everywhere…."

"You're alive!" Hakase sighed in relief.

"Did you say something back there?" Chao asked, struggling to her feet.

Hakase picked up Chao's arm and threw it around her shoulders, a red tint developing on her face. "N-No…"

With Hakase's help, Chao walked over to the table and sighed. "Guess this one was another dud."

"Back to the drawing board," Hakase said. Suddenly, something caught the corner of her eye. Looking back to the table, she saw a hand faintly sliding out of the white cloth. "Chao, look!"

She turned in the direction her partner was facing, and a large grin grew on her face. "It…LIVES! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Dramatic Lightning Generator gave off one last flash of light and a clap of thunder before collapsing in a heap.


	3. In Which Anatomical Correctness Ensues

**Chapter Three: In Which Anatomical Correctness Ensues  
><strong>

**By Iniquitus The Third**

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><p><strong> "It occurs to me that ninety percent of those who write of the joy of childbirth have yet to experience it. How else to explain the joyful light in which it is cast?"<strong>

**- Unknown**

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><p>A strange voice toned from under the sheet, a strong Austrian accent tinging the words.<p>

"PRIMARY TERMINATION PROTOCOL ENGAGED. MISSION OBJECTIVE: ELIMINATE JOHN CONNOR."

Chao's face fell, and she gestured to Hakase. "Run the Skynet debug program."

Hakase nodded, somewhat disappointed in this and moved to punch in a series of numbers on the primary display unit.

As she waited for the program to run, Chao paced up and down. This was the third prototype she'd lost to that damned Skynet malware. She made a mental note to send this "Connor" a memo telling him to wear an armoured flak jacket the next time he went on a walk by himself, and drummed on the tabletop.

After an eternity, Hakase nodded to her and Chao returned to looming over the figure. "Come on, come _on_." She bit her lip, gazing down at the hand. If this didn't work...

The hand moved.

Before Chao's equally incredulous and joyous eyes, it moved up and gripped the edge of the sheet, pulling it back to reveal-

The robot - no, the _being_, looking for all the world like a nude fifteen-year-old girl, sitting up on the bench.

In a movement that for Chao seemed to take no time at all and yet an eternity, it turned its head to look at Chao. Hakase tore her eyes away from it to check the display screen, before looking back, not wanting to miss a second of their success. The head, short white hair (it had a nice mysterious look and was the in thing for nigh-on human robots) covering it, tilted as it examined Chao's face. The mouth opened, and the first words ever spoken directly via human methods by an AI capable of replicating a human perfectly were said.

"Goo goo gah?"

Chao boggled. It was a child of the age of zero hours and (she glanced at her wall clock) two minutes.

"Gabagah. Boog. Yabaga. Dagagadaba?"

It was a human in every possible way, and the program had taken that line literally.

"Talagah!" it gurgled happily and threw a sloppy embrace around Chao. "Mum-mah! Talagah!"

It was... It was...

Hakase smiled. "Congratulations, Miss Lingshen. It's a girl!"

Chao wiped a tear off her face and pushed the AI gently off her, beckoning Hakase over to her. The AI cooed again and began taking an interest in the laboratory around it.

"I finally made it! I surpassed my own expectations!" Chao began stroking her imaginary beard. "Truly, I have proven that artificial intelligence is capable of being a human in every possible way! I did it!"

"_We_ did it," Hakase admonished, but she was smiling happily as well, and she took Chao into an embrace. She didn't even think of copping a feel right now, she was so happy. "You know, Chao... There's something I've always wanted to tell you... I have always lo-"

BOOOOM!

The two geniuses whirled in the direction of where the Dramatic Lightning Generator (TM) lay.

Or rather, the smoking crater where the Dramatic Lightning Generator (TM) _used _to sit. In its place sat the AI, gurgling happily and clapping at the pretty marks which covered the lab post-explosion.

Chao dropped to her knees. "Noooooooooo! Curse you! You learn faster than I predicted! You realized that the source of my power was the thing which allowed me to break the barriers of good taste, and took steps to eliminate the only thing which could ever have defeated you! WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?"

"Talagah!" The AI crawled over to Chao and poked her nose, looking incredibly excited. "Mum-mah!"

"Uhhh..." It occurred to Chao that being seen as it's - no, her – mother wasn't the best idea. Homicidal robots always went after the ones with the off switch first. She pointed wildly at Hakase. "No, um, _that's_ your mum-mah."

"Mum-mah talagah?"

"No, mum-mah Hakase."

"Mum-mah talagah?"

"_No_, mum-mah-" Chao exasperatedly grabbed her, turned her to Hakase and pointed past her face at the bespectacled girl. "That's mum-mah. Got it?"

The girl-robot-human shook her head emphatically. It pointed at Hakase - "Mum-mah bagoolah." - and then to Chao. "Mum-mah talagah!" she said, with all the finality of holy writ.

Hakase knelt next to Chao, on the other side of the girl.

"Chao...I think we just gave birth," she remarked in a way that told Chao Hakase still hadn't fully absorbed what exactly was going on.

The naked girl-human-robot-except-not-really gurgled happily and seized both of the professors in an enthusiastic hug, pulling them both to the floor of the laboratory which still smelt faintly of the exploded remnants of a machine that made extremely good use of Uberwaldian environmental dynamics, viz, dramatic expositionally timed thunderclaps on a clear summer's day.

It was at that moment that the door opened.

"Miss Cha - erm, Science Goddess Lingshen! Are you all right?" The young man, an assistant still not out of school, poked his head into the laboratory. "I heard an explosion and I..."

The young man realized that Chao was currently on the ground underneath Hakase, with a naked girl he'd never seen before pinned between them, all three with red faces and slightly disheveled clothes (barring the naked girl, of course).

He smoothly changed tack.

"...Didn't see anything honestly I'll be going now thanks bye."

The door closed behind him as he fled.

"...Hakase?"

"Yes?"

"Why did we make her anatomically correct again?"

"Um..."

"Googalabah!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**By RubberLotus**

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><p><em>Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please. <em>

_- Mark Twain_

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><p>Neither Chao nor Hakase were much considered the social type. Of the two, Chao was undoubtedly more prone to joking and easier to get along with, but even she carried a certain air of aloofness with her cheery smiles; even as she hocked meat buns at the Chao Bao Zi. And, of course, neither of them cared all that much about the gossip that 3-A was constantly drowning in, ninety percent of which involved some variant of "X is going out with Y! Squee!"<p>

Once, Haruna had actually started a rumor that the department was planning to slash the academy's research budget, just to see how they'd respond. What resulted was a month-long campaign of bribery, madness, blackmail, more madness, spying, still more madness, and lots and lots of people getting kicked in the face whenever a new, tide-changing "fact" popped up. The only "gain" from the whole experience - and even Chao wasn't sure how it happened - was the establishment of a Grant Morrison hate-club with about a third of the teachers, Negi-sensei included, as members. And only about two of them had even heard of the name...

It was the _only_ time they'd paid attention to any news Haruna had rattled off. A pity that they hadn't even attended classes, let alone heard her latest "discoveries", for the past few weeks...

**"SURPRISE!"**

The two professors stood stock-still, unsure of how to respond to the mass of balloons, streamers, food, and party games lining the inside of 3-A. The eternally cheery faces of their classmates, most of them clad in party hats and casual clothing, confused them even more.

Then their eyes drifted to the pink, frilly banner lining the top of the wall and all became clear.

**It's a girl.**

Somehow, word had gotten out, even when they'd left the robot back at the facility.

And somehow, their intrepid classmates had managed to arrange a baby shower.

And somehow...

"Hakase?"

"Yes?"

"What's your family's take on having a kid out of wedlock?"

"They're happy when I so much as look at a boy."

"Good," Chao nodded, noting that several of her classmates were looking the two of them over as if deciding their respective tuxedo and dress sizes.


	5. Responsibility

**Chapter F****ive: Responsibility**

**By ****Sereg**

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><p><em>Don'<em>_t talk to me about Life. _

_- __Marvin_

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><p>"So," said Haruna, "when do we get to meet her? I want to ask her what it's like having two mommies."<p>

"You could surely just ask Chachamaru that, ne?" asked Chao.

"Nah!" replied Haruna. "Chachamaru has three mommies! Which reminds me, I need to congratulate her on her new sister, or whatever you call someone who shares two of your three mothers." With that, she darted off towards the gynoid in question.

"This is a very special occasion!" announced Ayaka. "As such, it is only fitting that we celebrate the latest member of our family. I will now present my gift!" She lifted a sheet to reveal a bust of Project X.

"How did you even know what Project X looks like, Iinchou?" asked Chao.

"I have my sources," replied Ayaka. Chao glared at Kazumi who was busy smirking. No doubt due to the amount that this latest piece of freelance work had earned her.

"We told you that you aren't allowed in our labs anymore, Asakura-san," she complained.

"True," replied Kazumi, "but you said nothing about my cameras."

"Project X?" asked Konoka. "I thought that you two couldn't get any worse than 'Tea-making Mechanism'."

"Actually," replied Satomi, "Evangeline-san named Chachamaru. We were planning to name her Chao Bao Zi Cooperative Enterprise Gynoid Unit 1 Mark 1, or Cegum when we needed to abbreviate."

"Why am I not surprised?" asked Yue.

"They're right!" agreed Natsumi. "We need a real name for her if she's going to fit in with society."

"And we need to meet her," added Chizuru "Where is she? We've been preparing for her!" She swept her arm around the room to indicate the banners, streamers, cake and various other party paraphernalia scattered around the class, pausing briefly where Zazie was making balloon animals.

"She's in the laboratory," Satomi responded. "Where else would she be?"

"You left her alone?-!" gasped Chizuru.

"Of course," replied Satomi.

"That's negligence!" declared Chizuru. "You must take us there at once!"

"That lab is full of classified data, yo!" Chao argued. "We can't just bring our class in there!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to use my teacher's authority and overrule you, Chao-san," Negi interrupted, "I'd also like to make sure that she is all right."

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><p>Despite Satomi's vast intellect and Chao's incredible talent in a large array of fields, neither of them had a clue as to how to raise children. Sure, they knew the theory and in their minds, that should be enough, but unlike Chizuru, they did not have any instinctive understanding on how to handle your average child, let alone one armed with every piece of modern (and slightly post-modern) weapon available. This became apparent as they walked back into the lab whilst still complaining about how unnecessary the entire endeavor was. Their jaws dropped as their eyes took in the scene before them.<p>

"Gyaaah!" said Project X as she was currently known while she set a desk alight with her flamethrower. "Gehee!" she giggled before blasting a monitor with her eye-lasers. The lab was a complete wreck with equipment scattered and dismantled, desks intersected, paper strewn about and singes in the wall.

"We were just here, ne?" Chao asked Satomi.

"Affirmative," replied Satomi. "Project X, I order you to cease and desist!"

"Weeee!" squealed Project X as she smashed a by now unidentifiable piece of equipment with a large hammer.

"That's not going to work, yo!" explained Chao. "We removed all safety protocols as a human wouldn't be restricted by any non-biological safety protocols and we wanted her to be as human as possible."

"Giga!" said Project X as she began drilling through the wall.

"Barring her ability to do things like that, of course," Chao finished.

"There, there…" said Chizuru as she stepped forward. "Come to me. Come on." Project X's various weaponry disengaged and she slowly crawled towards Chizuru, who picked her up.

"How can you lift her?" asked Chisame. "She's almost as big as you are and she's made of metal. Never mind all those freakish weapons she's got stored in there."

"Hey!" complained Yuuna as she shoved her fists downwards. "Weapons are not freakish!"

"I'm stronger than I look," was Chizuru's only comment. Natsumi nodded nervously in agreement.

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><p>"So, now that we're all in agreement that…Project X-san cannot stay in the lab," began Negi, "we'll have to make alternate arrangements."<p>

"I could look after her," suggested Chizuru.

"N-Naba-san does s-seem to be good at this," supported Nodoka.

"I'd be happy to keep her in our room if it wasn't for the fact that we've already got four people living there," Ayaka countered. "I'm sure that I'd prefer looking after her than Natsumi-san's brother."

"…" said Zazie.

"That's very noble of you," replied Ayaka. "However, for some reason, the others don't seem to understand you, which would be dangerous if there was an emergency."

I would be glad to help, said Satsuki.

"Oh, no you won't, yo!" declared Chao. "I'm not risking our chef and kitchen equipment. If something happened, there would be no more nikumin!"

"No more nikumin!" gasped Ku Fei in horror. "That awful, aru!" They turned to Chisame.

"Oh no!" she cried, waving her arms in front of her. "Not me!"

"But you have more space than anyone else and you're good with technology!" argued Ayaka.

"Computers, not robots!" Chisame rebutted.

"And I'll have to move back in after this," added Satomi as she looked at what remained of her usual sleeping area.

"Exactly," said Chisame, "with Mana-san at her shrine all the time, it's Setsuna-san who has the space now!"

"But I didn't even have a normal upbringing myself!" said a panicked Setsuna. "How could_ I_ look after a baby!-?"

"Oh, I could help you there, Se-chan!" said Konoka as she grabbed her bodyguard.

"We'll all have to contribute, no matter where she stays," Negi announced firmly.


	6. Let's Make a Deal

**Chapter 6: Let's Make a Deal  
><strong>

**By Japanese Teeth**

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><p><em>With all the safety precautions we are taking, check this, check that, you have to stand back and say: Damn! I'm lightin' salamis man! I'm making a rocket out of meat! <em>

- Adam Savage

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><p>Negi attempted to swallow the lump in his throat, and failed miserably. There were perhaps only two people on the Mahora campus who could ever cause him to experience the kind of terror that he was experiencing. The first of those was Chizuru. Sure, she was kind, and gentle, and good with children; but that gleam she got in her eyes when she had a leek in her hand...even Jack Rakan's blood would run cold at the mere sight of <em>that.<em>

Maybe he should have brought her along for backup. Set his two great fears against each other. Maybe then his request would actually be granted. Why on earth had ever proposed this idea in the first place? He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Good morning, Negi-sensei." One of Eva's robot maids poked her head out of the door. "What brings you to our cottage today?"

"I...uh...I have a request to make of Master...perhaps you could help me convince her. It concerns Project X...and her potential...habitation..."

"Oh, I see." The maid stared blankly as she waved Negi through the doorway. "Please take a seat. Would you like some tea?"

"S-sure."

"I'll let Mistress know that you're here." She disappeared into the basement.

Negi made a vain effort to stop his hands from shaking as he sipped the tea. He had made requests of Evangeline before, but nothing that would inconvenience her quite this much. He should have just pulled rank and stuck Project X in Chisame's room. She'd get used to it. Eventually.

"What is it, boya?" Eva stomped out of the basement, dressed in an excessively fluffy pink bathrobe and in the process of wrapping her hair in an enormous towel. "I was in the middle of a bubble bath." Negi slouched a bit as she glared at him. "Couldn't you have called ahead or something?"

"Apologies, Master." He bobbed his head in supplication. "I have something to request of you..."

"So let me get this straight: Hakase and Chao created an anatomically correct teenage girl robot, stuffed the thing full of as many weapons as they could get their hands on, but it turns out that it has the intelligence of an infant."

Negi nodded.

"And now you want it to live in my resort."

He nodded again.

"Despite the fact that I was completely unrelated to this whole mess in any way?"

Nod.

"And the reason you want her here is because it's potentially too destructive to keep anywhere else."

Nod.

"So you want to keep it _here_."

Nod.

"You had better have some damn good reasons for this."

"W-well..." he stuttered, "There are so many weapons that it would be dangerous to keep her in the dorms. And your resort gets blown up every time we have a training session, so it won't be that much of a problem. And this way she'll be with her family. Kind of. I guess."

"Family?" Eva raised an eyebrow.

"Well, Haruna says that since you, Hakase and Chao are sort of Chachamaru's mommies, then that would make Project X Chachamaru's sister. And you would be some sort of aunt."

"Are you crazy!-?" She put a hand to her forehead. "Why on earth would I want to be involved in any of this? You people meddle in my life enough without making me babysit a weapon of mass destruction!"

"Mistress..." Chachamaru put a hand on Evangeline's shoulder. "Negi is right. As far as we can tell, Project X is as much of a person as I am, and she ought to have some sort of a family."

"Okay, fine." She stood up and strutted over to the sofa. "I'll make you a deal, boya." She slumped down on the couch. "You do something for me, and I'll let the robot live here."

"Thank you, Master!" Negi jumped to his feet and bowed deeply. "I'll do whatever I can."

"Fine, then." Eva grinned. "Come here." She slowly drew back the bottom of her robe, exposing her leg as she extended it in Negi's direction. "You can start by sucking on my toes, and we'll go from there."

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!" There was a crash as Eva's door flew open, revealing Asuna standing on the threshold.

"Why are you here?" Eva groaned. "And why did you have to do that to the door? Couldn't you just knock?"

"I heard Negi was coming to see you and figured that I should keep an eye on him." She glared daggers at the girl on the couch. "Especially since you try to pull crap like this every time you're alone with him."

"Asuna, she's not going to let Project X stay here if you keep doing things like that!" He pointed at the door, which now hung by a single hinge. He turned back to Eva. "I'm sorry about that. I'll still do anything that you-"

"Oh shut up." Eva held up a hand. "I'll still let the robot live here. But you still have to do something for me. First..." She pointed at Asuna. "She pays for a new door. Then I have another task for you."

"What is it?" Asuna narrowed her eyes.

"Relax. I just want you to pick up a book for me from Library Island. Albireo heard that I wanted it for something and went and hid it, the bastard." She sighed. "You bring me the book I want, and the robot gets to move in. Deal?" She held out a hand.

"Deal." Negi gave her hand a shake. "Now what book is it that you want?"

Eva grinned as she scribbled something onto a post it note before offering it to Negi.

"Have fun."


	7. In Which Chachamaru Tries To Kill A Baby

**Out of Control**

**Chapitre Septimus****: In Which Chachamaru Tries To Kill A Baby**

This segment by Shadow Crystal Mage. Please do not drive, eat chips, drink beverages or operate heavy machinery while reading, as this could be fatal. You're doing it anyway? Well, your funeral…

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><p>"<em>I would rather live in hell run by Filipinos than heaven run by <em>_{Go to Wikipedia and broaden your horizons}."_

_-President Manuel L. Quezon._

_His wish has now come true, but the bastard managed to die before it did. Damn him._

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><p>It is a known and widely recognized fact that Chachamaru was the nicest weapon of mass destruction you could ever hope to meet. While other weapons of mass destruction might have cunningly hidden programming that let, say, bald guys with homo-erotic attractions to men in blue spandex and red shorts take control of them by saying "Aut Vincere A<em>ut Mori<em>", or somehow or other evilly take away their niceness and allow for this comic book reference to exist and take up space, Chachamaru had no such hidden programming. Her mothers were a mad scientist who was in solely for the science and probably wouldn't have known what to do with her afterward anyway, left to her own devices, and the other was a well-intentioned extremist who went out of her way to prevent bloodshed and was actually a pretty nice person, with strong morals. They saw no need for this "hidden programming" and "override command" foolishness, and merely showered Chachamaru with care, affection, and a bust-size most women would kill for. It says something of how well this method works that Chachamaru appreciated the first two, and didn't really care much about the last.

Everyone, however, has their failings, and Chachamaru was no exception. Philosophically, since to err is human, Chachamaru might be gladdened to hear she was meeting this criteria as well, but practically… . Huh? The word count is running? Okay, okay, getting back to the story…

Anyway, even Chachamaru had failings (*dodges the outraged weapons fire at these words*); although you'd probably need special scanning gear built by the Q to find them. One, however, was instantly apparent to anyone who had ever had children below the age of 10: Chachamaru, for all her worldliness, seeming maturity, and the fact she was regularly screwed by her primary adult care-giver and her first crush on a regular basis, was all of maybe two years old…with the accompanying emotional maturity thereof, regardless of her vocabulary and familiarity with screwing.

Ever stopped lavishing attention on a two year-old?

Chachamaru stood apart from her classmates as they all crowded around Project X while Negi went off to petition the master, and Asuna went off to stalk Negi. Her face was its usual self – impassive, but with a hint of a smile, a friend to all living things.

It could be quite reasonably pointed out robots were not alive

(dodges another attempt by Marq to slap him)

"Wow, her breasts are huge!" Haruna said, reaching over to honk them. "Chao and Hakase do good work."

_No one has ever complimented me on my breasts__… _Chachamaru thought.

Chisame slapped her hands away. "Haruna! She's a minor! Don't go around doing perverted things to her, you'll scar her for life!"

_N__o one has ever cared _I'm_ a minor…_

"I wonder what's taking Negi-kun so long?" Makie wondered. "It shouldn't take _that_ long to ask Eva-sama a favor…"

_Negi-__sensei has never asked the master for anything on my behalf…_

Something snapped.

It was official. Project X had to die.

Chachamaru nodded to herself and, because her creators were the kind to DO THE RESEARCH, she went online to research causes of infant mortality.

* * *

><p>The pillow was a complete failure.<p>

Chachamaru kept Project X's head smothered for a whole hour while everyone else went off to lunch. Project X giggled wildly at this at first, but after 45 minutes she finally stopped moving and lay still. After 15 more minutes to make sure, Chachamaru pulled the pillow back in satisfaction, checking her work.

Project X snored, somehow managing a snot bubble.

Chachamaru twitched.

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><p>"Project X," Chachamaru said, holding up the craft tool. "These are scissors. Would you please run around with them?"<p>

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><p>When the scissors broke, Chachamaru decided that perhaps more historical methods would be needed.<p>

Fuuka and Fumika stared as they watched Chachamaru walking away with Project X, the latter wearing a large diaper and a bonnet.

"Sister…" Fuuka asked.

"Hmm?" Fumika said.

"Why did Project X have a label around her neck labeled 'The Lindbergh Baby'?"

After they were cited for indecent exposure, Chachamaru decided that any sororicide she would attempt would involve Project X wearing a sweater.

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><p>"Child is not a male," Chachamaru pronounced. "By the laws of Sparta, I believe you are to be thrown over a cliff. Please watch your head."<p>

Chachamaru threw Project X off the roof of the building as gently as possible. Just because she was trying to get rid of her competition was no cause for rudeness.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Project X cried.

CRASH!

Chachamaru looked over the edge. She paused.

"Oh dear. _**x-x-**_**M**arley-_**dono**_ **C**r**I**m**S**o**N**f**L**o**W**e**R**_**-x-x**_will be quite distressed. Those rose bushes were hand grown…"

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><p>After a fruitless period, Chachamaru returned Project X to the room they were keeping her in to reassess her approach. The other robot was clapping happily, occasionally setting off knuckle bombs as she did so.<p>

"No, no, Project X, we mustn't use explosives in a confined space," she chided. Noticing how dirty Project X had gotten, Chachamaru took her to the bathroom to get cleaned and attempt to drown her. Project X just laughed at the bubbles and how funny everything looked underwater.

As she dried Project X, once more surfing the internet for ways babies could die as Project X giggled and waved her arms about, she wondered maybe she should ask Ayaka her personal experiences. Perhaps _she_ knew how to off a sibling? It had happened to her, after all.

As they stepped out of the bathroom, Chachamaru putting the diaper and sweater back on Project X, the door opened, and the panicked mass of class A entered.

"There she is!" Ayaka cried, and Chachamaru settled into a defensive stance. "Chachamaru-san!"

"WE'RE SORRY CHACHAMARU-SAN!" they all chorused. Chachamaru blinked.

"For what?" she asked.

"For leaving you to take care of Project X alone," Chizuru said. "I should have realized sooner. As punishment, I shall remove this Negi from between my–"

"NOT NOW, CHIZURU!" Ayaka cried.

"No, I wasn't-" Chachamaru tried to explain.

"You're a good big sister, taking care of Project X like that," Yuuna praised. "Wow, you even gave her a bath and everything!"

"Amalthea," Zazie said.

Everyone blinked. "ZAZIE SPOKE!" the twins chorused.

"It's an omen!" Konoka declared. "Project X is to be named Amalthea!"

"Isn't that from a unicorn movie?" Ako said.

"Amalthea it is, then!" Ayaka declared. She turned to the two robot girls. "Amalthea-chan, did you have fun with your Chachamaru-oneechan?"

"Chachamaru-oneechan!" Amalthea cried. She hugged Chachamaru. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Everyone gasped. "Her first words!" Chao cried. "Tell me someone got that!"

Chachamaru, however, was blinking. "Sister?"

Chachamaru, as has been pointed out, has the emotional maturity of a two year-old. What happens when someone lavishes a two year-old with attention?

Hesitantly, she patted Amalthea on the head, prompting a purring sound. Everyone gushed at the cuteness.

Well, someone who made kitten sounds couldn't be bad. And she could always try to kill her later…


	8. A Big Lipped Alligator Moment

**Out of Control**

**Chapter 8: A Big Lipped Alligator Moment. **

By Zephyrus Anemoi Fiction.

That should explain something to you

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><p><em>"And now for something, completely different."<em>

_John Cleese_

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><p>"I do appreciate your help girls," Negi sighed as he followed the golden pool of light in front of him, deep within the bowels of Library Island.<p>

"No need to thank us sensei," Yue replied, hefting her sword-lance resting against her shoulder. Perched on the tip of the blade was a battery-powered lantern which cast the three of them in its radiant light.

"Yes, we _are _the Library Exploration Club." Nodoka agreed. A strange blush had worked its way across her face over the course of their trip down here.

"Asuna-san is working for Master to fix the door, and I need to find that book." He announced.

"I can appreciate your tenacity for this role sensei," Yue told him. "But why Evangeline? Why bother to put up with her?"

"Because Project X was built by my students," Negi replied. "And by that extension, she is my responsibility as well. I would do no less for any of my other students."

Yue smiled at her child-teacher's courage, while Nodoka's blush deepened even more.

"Oh, we're here!"

Negi couldn't tell where 'here' was. This patch of darkened bookshelf looked just like any other patch of darkened bookshelf they passed. However, Yue and Nodoka both stopped and peered off into the darkness.

"Recently, Kur-Nel asked Nodoka and I to help out some secret transfer students deep in the library," Yue explained. "One of them even asked to be a part of the Exploration Club."

"So we're waiting for a new member?" Negi clarified. Two nods ended his wondering.

It wasn't long before a new light shone from the end of the passageway. Negi smiled, glad that the new member was punctual. However, as the mysterious member approached, a few things seemed odd. The light was purple, whatever was walking toward them did not sound like footsteps, and it sounded like there was _two_ of them. When the mysterious figure finally did meet them, Negi was at loss for words. He didn't know what was stranger: that the figure was purple, that it walked on four legs, or that it was undeniably a _unicorn! _

"Ahh, Sparkle-san,"

"Good afternoon Twilight Sparkle-san."

Negi stood there, utterly flabbergasted at the diminutive unicorn that stood before him. the four-foot-tall purple equine looked at him with large, almost cartoonish eyes.

"Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle,"

"…"

"Um, you must be Negi Springfield," she continued, trying to ignore the awkward silence. "It's an honor to meet a mage of your caliber."

"You have a horn." Was the only thing Negi could say.

Twilight fixed him with a flat stare that screamed _No shit Sherlock._

Finally, Negi was able to gather his wits and have an intelligent conversation with the unicorn. "Princess Celestia asked my friends and I to come here and research the magic of friendship among humans."

"No offence, but I can't help but think you might have the wrong magic-user."

(Elsewhere, Nanoha Takamachi couldn't help but wonder why she should be squee-ing like the little girl she was)

"Twilight-san here said she will help us in our quest for the book."

"That's very nice of you Ms. Twilight."

"Anything for a friend." The unicorn replied as the quartet set off down the hallway. "Though I must ask you to keep my friends and I a secret."

"If everyone found out that unicorn and pegasai actually existed, there would be pandemonium." Nodoka agreed.

"Of course," Negi replied. "I would never dream of endangering one of my student's friends. Breaking a friend's trust can sometimes break that friendship."

"FOREVER!"

Negi leapt up into Nodoka's arms as a pink pony head suddenly burst from the bookshelf. Its bright-pink, curly mane bounced from side-to-side as the strange pony glared at them. Then, with no rhyme or reason, the mysterious pony withdrew back into the bookshelf and vanished amid the tomes. Twilight put a hoof to her forehead and sighed in despair.

"I'm sorry Negi, I should have warned you."

"What was that?" Negi shouted.

"Pinkie Pie." Twilight sighed.

"That was certainly unexpected." Yue sighed.

"I agree," Negi replied. "I mean, I just came down here for a book. I wasn't expecting the Spa–"

Yue clapped a hand over Negi's mouth.

"Sensei, perhaps we shouldn't tempt fate anymore."

(Somewhere in the world, Fate Testarossa wondered why three bearded men dressed in red robes suddenly burst into her room.)

(Somewhere in the world, Fate Averruncus sighed as he quelled the need to obliterate the author for making another stupid Monty Python reference.)

Meanwhile, Negi climbed down from Nodoka's arms. "I'm sorry Nodoka-san. Pinkie Pie just scared me." The bookworm did not reply. She simply stood there with her arms still extended, as if she was still cradling Negi. "Um, Nodoka-san,"

"Don't worry about her sensei," Yue sighed as she grabbed Nodoka around the waist. The diminutive girl flung her friend over her other shoulder and continued on down the passageway. Negi was left standing in the dark, looking down after the two fading lights.

"Wait for me!" He shouted, not wanting to get stuck in the dark with the threat of reality-warping pink ponies.

It was only a harbinger of the madness yet to come.

* * *

><p>I love the no God-modding rule<p> 


	9. Screwing

**Out of Control **

**Chapter 9: Screwing**

**by Darkenning**

_Now, I suppose this is the time for me to say something profound._

_Nothing comes to mind, let's do it._

_Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF._

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><p>"This is ridiculous," Asuna griped as she screwed the hinges of the door back into their frame. She wasn't exactly handy, but she wasn't a complete klutz either. Fortunately, she hadn't torn up the wood too much when she kicked the door in, so she just had to put the new screws in slightly above and below where they'd gone in before. But still, this was not how she wanted to spend her evening. "If you want this done right, you should really get a professional."<p>

"Professional work is going to cost me money, and since I will be getting it from you, it will cost you money," Evangeline replied. She leaned back on a suede chair just inside the doorway, dressed in a set of beige underwear and delicately inhaling from a hookah. Her feet rested her bare feet on the back of one of her Chachamaru dolls, posed so that it was on its hands and knees.

Asuna shook her head in disgust. "Your habits are so ... _decadent_," she said.

Both she and Evangeline looked around for the source of the sudden burst of laughter those words had occasioned. Not finding it, they exchanged glances at each other, then shrugged and went back to doing what they'd been doing.

"In any event, you broke my door, you should fix it one way or another. Such is the least you should expect after damaging the property of a notoriously evil wizard!" Evangeline said with a sniff.

"That again," Asuna muttered as she started to work on the hinges that were at the lower level. She'd done the top ones first, because she knew that she'd have to bend over in order to reach the lower ones, and that wasn't going to be a very comfortable position for long.

"Yes, that again. It disturbs me to no end that you persist in thinking of me as your funny classmate who will never get older!" Evangeline griped.

"Actually, that's Sayo," Asuna replied. "You're my funny classmate who is kind of a bitch but has a sweet heart underneath it all."

"That again," Evangeline sneered, parodying Asuna's tone. "I keep telling you, and warning you, and trying to show you, and STILL, you think I'm -"

"You're -" Asuna began at the same moment.

"- a good person despite everything," they chorused.

"Well, I'm not!" Evangeline snapped, furious at having her words echoed. "What am I going to have to do to convince you? Am I gonna have to hurt you? Hurt him?"

"Please," Asuna said with a sniff as she got the first lower screw in. "If you were going to do that, you'd have done it already."

Evangeline started to seethe. "Oh really," she said in a velvet tone, standing up from the chair. "You may be right. But I don't really think you know how many opportunities I've passed up."

"Uh-huh, not caring either," Asuna said dismissively as she examined the wood. This part _was_ kind of torn up. Dammit.

"Like that time in my resort, when he was worrying about fighting Chao and whether it was right to fight someone he didn't think was evil, and I faced off with him in my pool. I could have done all sorts of things more than I did, but what I did do was very enjoyable," she said, slowly walking towards where Asuna was bent over.

Asuna froze and turned to look at Evangeline. "Hey. Hey, T-rated fanfic, remember?"

"I won't go into detail," she said sensuously. "And anyway, all I did was learn what you already know about the taste of his lips. But perhaps sometime soon I'll invite him back and finish what I started. What will you think of me then, Kagarazuka Asuna? How will you feel?" she hissed.

Asuna stared at her, set down the screwdriver, and then drew a deep breath.

"I'll be happy, because maybe you won't be so lonely afterwards," she said.

Evangeline stared at her for the longest five seconds of Asuna's life so far ... then whirled and stomped back to the chair. "Get out," she said crossly. "I'll finish the rest myself."

Asuna watched her for a moment longer, then turned back to her work. "I don't quit things just because people tell me to do so," she said as she started screwing some more.

"So I see," Evangeine muttered. "So I see."


	10. Interrogation

**Out of Control **

**Chapter 10: **Interrogation****

**by Sereg**

_It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting "ideas", and "thinking"..._

_Gaston._

Negi pulled out the old invitation and showed it to the dragon. With that, it let them pass. Luckily, Albireo hadn't specified a date on the invitation. As the three of them walked in, they saw Albireo get up. "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" he smiled.

"Ku:nel Sanders-san," said Negi, "we have come to visit you because we need the book that you hid from Master. Could you please tell us where you put it?"

Albireo raised an eyebrow, somehow, without opening an eye. "…And what do you need it for."

"I…need a favour from Master," explained Negi, "and she'll only agree if we give her the book." Albireo settled back into a chair with a widening smile as he crossed his arms.

"Then, I'm afraid that we have a problem." he said, "I have no wish to give Kitty the book back and I think that it'll be amusing to watch you try to convince her another way." Images of what other things that Eva may demand fluttered through the minds of Yue and Nodoka, filling them with dread.

"If you don't cooperate," replied Yue, "I could simply look the book up on my artefact. I'd have to copy it, but I'd still have the contents. This would be much easier if you simply told us where to look."

"But the easier way is usually the less fun way." countered Albireo. He drew his pactio card. "Adeat!" he said and drew his bookmark through one of the books, transforming into Eva. "Besides," he continued in Eva's voice, whilst grinning widely enough to clearly show her fangs, "do you really want to look through the contents of that book? Would you really have come all this way if you were willing to do that?"

Yue looked down at the title of the book and back up to the face of the one who requested it. No, she didn't really want to do that. Maybe if Haruna could use her artefact, it would be all right, but other people could only read her artefact after she had already called the information up. However, she knew that the reason that Albireo was reluctant to hand over the book was because he loved to mess with Eva. Maybe she could work with that.

"The favour that we need from Eva is to help look after a heavily armed, destructive robot with mind of a child and to let it live in her cabin." explained Yue. For the first time, she saw Albireo look surprised. She'd have to remember that look in the future. She wasn't likely to see it again.

"Then I have a dilemma." declared Albireo, "Whilst I enjoy Kitty's frustrations at not having the book, the idea of her taking care of such a being also seems amusing. I believe that I'll have to get back to you on this."

"I…if you d…don't t…tell us where it is," threatened Nodoka with a look of fierce determination on her face, "I…I'll read your mind to find out the truth." Albireo smiled. This really was turning out to be an entertaining day for him.

"Now this sounds like a good game." he said, "Should we see how long I can keep you busy with useless thoughts before you find the information you need? I've been _very_ bored for a _very_ long time, so I've become quite good at letting my thoughts wander to various interesting things." Yue looked at Nodoka with a worried expression on her face, could Albireo really back up his claim, and if so would they be able to get the book back to Eva on time for Project X to have a place to stay tonight?

Nodoka gulped and continued, "And to activate my artefact, I'll have to say your real name!"

Albireo scowled. One couldn't really ignore someone and pretend that the name that they were calling wasn't your own when they were in your head. The very activation of the artefact would confirm that it was his name, rendering his ignoring of it to be entirely meaningless.

"…Very well." he finally agreed, "I'll show you where the book is on one condition. I want Kazumi-chan to send me loads of footage of Kitty's embarrassing interaction with this robot."

"We can't really speak for Asakura-san!" complained Negi, "And besides, that's an invasion of Master's privacy!"

"We'll convince her!" said Nodoka firmly, "Remember, Negi-sensei, we really need to give Project X-chan a place to stay."

"All right." sighed Negi. He supposed that it would be a bit hypocritical of him to object too strongly. After all, he had previously spied on her dreams.

"Could you show me some maps?" asked Albireo. Negi unfurled the map that he had received from his father's house in Kyoto and the girls handed over their maps from the club. "It should be over here." explained Albireo pointing, "Second shelf from the top on the far right, just below the door."

As they left, Yue said, "That's one of the more dangerous sections of the library."

"We'll manage." replied Nodoka.

"Well done for working out how to convince Ku:nel Sanders!" complimented Negi.

"It was easy." blushed Nodoka, "Ku:nel Sanders-san is even worse than Fate-kun when it comes to his name."


	11. Slimy Girly Fun!

**Out of Control 11:**

**Slimy Girly Fun!**

**By Shadow Crystal Mage  
><strong>

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><p>Warning: fic might contain cheesecake, nuts, crack and loli fetish fuel. Do not consume in a public place. Side effects may include never getting laid.<p>

* * *

><p>As Negi made his way back to Evangeline to report success on his little book hunt, finally securing a place for Amalthea nee Project X (though he didn't know about the rename yet) can stay, having just come from the deepest, darkest depths of the library, meeting lost tribes of sexy Amazon librarians lost among the shelves, and helped avert a war between the Alphabeticals and the ISBNers, the whole exciting affair we promise to relate in flashbacks, in another part of campus, things were also happening…<p>

Takane Goodman stared at the broken bottle. "This cannot end well," she said, sighing. She turned to Nutmeg, who stood next to Sakura Mei. "Details?"

Nutmeg consulted her clipboard. "This afternoon, the security wards were tripped from the inside. When I went to check it out, I found the bottle cracked on the floor and a trail of slime leading up to one of the air vents. I guess the seal on the bottle wasn't as effective powered by two untrained civilians. They could be anywhere by now."

Takane made a thoughtful hum. "No… no…" she said. "These slimes currently aren't under contract, so they'll be following their instincts. If I were a slime with time on my hands, where would be the first place I went? What would be the first thing I do?"

Mei and Nutmeg exchanged glances and shrugged. "Molest a ninja?" the Love Hina import suggested half-jokingly. "But really, how many ninja are on campus?"

There was a beat.

"At least one?" Takane said.

* * *

><p>Kaede whistled pleasantly as she gleefully ignored the voice of the demon in her stomach, which had been implanted in her at birth, offering to grant her wish if she made a contract with it. Unlike other people who got things sealed inside them, like cousin Naruto and B, this one didn't give her any particular benefits, except make her dislike plushies.<p>

_Make a contract with me, and I promise to get you your own spin-off series…_

"Live-action, kindergarten or Xebec?" she chirped. The evil voice went silent, apparently too disgusted by the options to continue tempting.

In the bushes, three rummy eyes watched.

"She's talking to herself…" Ameko, the one that looked like she had a hat on her head, said.

"Crap, that probably means she was something sealed inside her and is a total badass in a fight we shouldn't underestimate," the one with her hair done up like Makie's, Suramui, said.

"Now what do we do?" Purin, the long-haired one, asked. "We have to make our appearance count for something! This is practically our only appearance anywhere outside the manga! The animes didn't have us, the OVAs didn't have us, the new series skipped over us entirely, this is probably the only fanfic in the internet where we show up at all…"

At that moment, however, coincidental serendipity struck!

"Kaede-neechan! Kaede-neechan! Train us! Train us!" two little girls cried, running up to the ninja.

The three slimes perked up at this.

"Training? Doesn't that mean they're ninja too?" Purin said, her head wobbling as she tilted it thoughtfully.

"Heh he he…" Suramui chuckled evilly. "Easier prey!"

They watched as, even better, Kaede excused herself from training, making the two slump in disappointment. The two drifted off, heading towards some bushes, where they….

The three slimes blinked, and looked up to check the title of the fic they were in.

"We're not in Decadent Habits, are we?" Ameko said suspiciously, watching as the twins started feeling each other up and making out. "Or some other, much lesser quality, PWP lemon work?"

"No, definitely not…" Purin said, after checking they were in the right title. "Should we be suspicious? I mean, two loli ninja spontaneously screwing each other in public, all in easy reach of a trio of loli shape-shifting slime monsters who have a history of molesting young, naked girls…"

"For all of one chapter," Suramui brumbled.

"Maybe we're finally catching a break?" Ameko said. "After all, that Chigusa lady gets more action than we do."

"Only because the lazy slobs who want to redo the manga 'their way' never get past the freakin' Kyoto arc in anything," Purin said. "No, this look too suspicious. Seriously, we're looking around for ninja to molest, and just as we find one that's going to be too hard to attack, we run into two more who are a bigger bundle of fetishes and just happed to start screwing around too? This is Negima! It has more sense than that!"

"Well, to be fair, after the big-lipped alligator moment a few chapters ago regarding the ponies, the mood swing after that, and the dead baby comedy before those, this fic is kinda see-sawing," Suramui pointed out. "I blame the lack of overall plot."

The three slimes took a moment to consider that.

"But maybe THIS is the plot?" Ameko said. "We attack them, establish ourselves as a badass new threat, get some adaptational upgrades from Shadow Crystal Mage-okamisama, some genuine pathos and creepiness when Darkenning-sama swings around again, and thanks to Overmaster-sama, it all careens into a whirlpool of madness and insanity where it turns out we're a credible threat to even Negi-kun! Sexy, sexy Negi-kun…"

There was a moment of silence as they drooled over what they remembered of the male lead. They were still girls, after all.

They watched as the twins got naked, rolling around on the ground screaming out each other's names and proceeding to enjoy themselves quite loudly.

Once more the three of them checked the title. It still wasn't Decadent Habits.

"Screw it!" Suramui screamed, her legs lengthening for extra leverage as she got ready to leap at the twins, who were even them were about to reach (a misspelled word). "I'm taking those two from behind! You with me?"

The other two lengthened their legs as well, got ready to leap…

WHEN SUDDENLY, THEY HIT THE THOUSAND WORD LIMIT!

"_What?-!-?-!-?-!_ _**NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!-!-!-!-!**_ Our only appearance ever, cut painfully sho–"


	12. Bonding

**Out of Control**

**Chapter 12: Bonding**

**b****y Sereg**

"_Look, I know you've experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. You're a cat, I'm black, and I'm not gonna be hurt again."_

_Detective Del Spooner_

Meanwhile, in a place where the fourth wall was less damaged ("Oh, come on!" yelled Purin.) but the other walls were not, Eva was yelling at Chachamaru.

"Can't you occupy her for a while, so my house doesn't get destroyed!-?" she asked.

"Yes, Master." Chachamaru agreed. She guided Amalthea away and considered her options. While she had other sisters, she had never acted in an older sister capacity before and her own older sister wasn't a good example. With her newly repaired relationship, she needed to do more research. After checking the internet for appropriate behavior between sisters, she was a little confused, but decided to try the activities anyway. "So, Amalthea-chan," she asked, "have you met any boys that you like?"

"Gweeeee!" replied Amalthea.

"I suppose that the only boys that you would have met so far would be Negi-sensei and Kotaro-san." continued Chachamaru. "Naturally, you _won't _be pursuing Negi-sensei, so I guess that leaves Kotaro-san. You'll still have some competition, but it shouldn't be so bad, except possibly from Naba-san. She's scary." This wasn't getting anywhere, so she decided to try the next item on the list.

/

"We would like to buy these fourteen tins of cat food, please." Chachamaru informed the teller as she handed them over and Amalthea darted her head around in wide eyed astonishment. Shopping, check. Next, was to give each other makeovers. Master would probably be able to help with that, but her orders indicated that she didn't want to be disturbed.

/

"What is it?" sighed Chisame at the knock on her door. Maybe Hakase was bringing more things in from the lab. It was still annoying that they were going to have to share space again.

"It's me and Amalthea-chan." came the voice of Chachamaru. "We require your expertise." Chisame raised an eyebrow and opened the door to find out what she was talking about.

"What happened to you!" she gasped. They were covered in blotches of makeup and lipstick and curlers were hanging from their hair.

"We were trying to give each other makeovers." Chachamaru explained. "It seems that we require the assistance of an expert."

"Okay." sighed Chisame. "Come inside."

/

"Yes! Once again, I have created a masterpiece!" Chisame yelled as she made a fist and admired her work. Chachamaru and Amalthea were now in frilly dresses and far more professionally applied makeup. They were wearing high heels and their hair had been tied up.

"Thank you, Chisame-san." Chachamaru said as she looked in the mirror. Amalthea tried to get up, but then fell over.

"Don't worry, Amalthea-chan." Chachamaru reassured her. "For our next task, we'll need to wear our pajamas."

"You need to wear your pajamas?" Chisame asked.

"Yes." replied Chachamaru as she carried Amalthea out.

/

After changing herself and Amalthea, Chachamaru took her into the resort. She understand this task even less than any of the previous ones. "Apparently, we're supposed to fight." Chachamaru informed Amalthea. "The experts suggest using pillows, but I suppose that that's because most people don't have better weaponry available." Her arm shifted into a sword. "But we don't have that problem."

"Weeeee!" Amalthea squealed as her plasma kukri deployed.

/

"Yes!" yelled Purin as she finished tightening the restraints on Fumika. "We did it! We captured the loli ninja twins!"

"Unfortunately, Sereg-kun decided to make the battle take place off-screen." Ameko sighed. "Seriously, what a copout."

Suramui looked around the dungeon, solely to inform the audience that that was where they were. "But now what?" she asked. "Having a pair of loli ninja twins is fun, but there are three of us! Will they really be enough?"

"Not a problem!" grinned Purin with a raised finger. "By succeeding in capturing the twins, we are beginning to establish ourselves as a credible threat! With some more successful battles and kidnappings, we will level up enough to stand a chance against the big, badass ninja! Then we'll each have one! Though, of course, I assume that we'll trade every now and then for variety."

"Plus, if we kidnap more people, then we may as well keep them too." added Ameko.

"Ah, like Makie!" Suramui suggested. "My hairstyle suggests that we may be meant to be rivals or something."

"Don't get ahead of yourself!" Ameko scolded her. "We need to start at the bottom, with the less plot-important characters. Then, we can work our way up, until we take over the story and become the new main characters! Then, we can convince Shadow Crystal Mage-sama to rename this fic: "Tales of The Slime Girls' Harem". It wouldn't be the first time that he renamed a fic."

"I like the way you think!" Purin smiled as she pulled her sister in for a hug. "But who do we start off with? The new OC?"

"Are you crazy!" Suramui cried. "She's the whole reason for this fic! Definitely a main character! Plus she has that whole infant immortality thing going for her. We'll have to save her for much later."

"Well, what about Anya?" suggested Ameko.

"Have you forgotten who's writing this chapter?" Purin asked as she pointed at the line below the chapter title.

"Yeah, but this is canon Anya who is barely useful." Suramui shrugged. "She never had to fight Eva-sama or go on the trip to Kyoto. We'll have to wait until Sereg-kun writes further before we have to fight the one who is an adaptational badass. It should be fine. Besides, he's not going to get to describe a battle in the few words that he has left."

"Well, maybe in a future chapter written by someone I trust more." Purin said, scratching her chin. "So who else could we target in our reverse sorting algorithm of evil?"

"Well, besides Negi-kun's class, there are a few other characters that people tend to forget exist, so they shouldn't be hard to handle. Like Eiko and Yuki and some teachers. …There are enough easy targets for us to level grind."


	13. Up the Irons

**XXXX**

**Chapter 13: Up the Irons**

**By Japanese Teeth**

* * *

><p><em>The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.<br>_-Gilbert K. Chesterton

* * *

><p>"Just how did we get to the Magic World?" Purin peered out of the bush in which she and her sisters hid as they watched their intended kidnapping victim.<p>

"It happened off screen, so we don't need to explain it," Ameko answered. "Although I'm not entirely sure why this girl is our target..." The girl in question was the catgirl waitress at one of the many cafes in Ostia. "She's just a background character..."

"It's the underlying concept behind her that's important!" Suramui shoved her way between her sisters. "Take a look at her. She practically embodies the fanservice that's truly at the heart of this manga! Catgirl, corset, showgirl skirt, thighhigh stockings, a collar...a true fetish checklist! If we can kidnap her, the very personification of this series, we will be capable of kidnapping anyone! Ahahaha!" She cackled as she shook her fists in the air.

"Should I tell her that _Negima _turns into an action series?" Purin asked.

"Nah, let her have her moment." Ameko closed the gap in the front of the bush so that passersby couldn't see the source of the tiny laugh. "Besides, we need all the kidnapping experience we can get."

* * *

><p>"Why do we have to use my laptop to do the diagnostic?" Chisame grumbled as Hakase shoved another cable into Amalthea's ear. "Don't you have computers for this?"<p>

"Yes, but this is far more efficient." Hakase didn't even bother to look up. "As Amalthea is a synthesis of magic energy and technology, your computer's integration to magical energy via your artifact makes the entire process run much more economically."

"I see..." Chisame didn't really understand why that made much of a difference as her artifact wasn't currently connected, but whatever. Playing dress up had been so much more fun. "What exactly are you trying to accomplish here."

"I'm trying to upgrade Amalthea's ability to speak. Chachamaru was created at an adult level of intelligence, so her capacity for speech upon initial activation was much higher. As Amalthea's initial intelligence level is inferior, I hope to expedite the process by placing pre-fabricated vocalizations in her-"

"Okay, I get it. You're trying to make it easier for her to talk." Chisame rolled her eyes. Why Hakase had dragged her out to Eva's house for this, she would never understand. "I'm going to go get lunch." She strode out of Eva's cabin, hoping that she wouldn't return to a disaster area.

* * *

><p>"What the hell is going on in there?" Eva thrust a finger at the door to her cottage. Even though Chisame was outside, she could hear a loud voice. It was certainly comparable to the babyish murmurs that Amalthea had been emitting ever since her creation. It was possibly even the same voice. And it was singing something that really did not fit Amalthea, or at least what little everyone understood of her.<p>

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? THE PROPHET STARED AT HIS CRYSTAL BALL!"

"I don't know." Chisame groaned. "Hakase was doing some sort maintenance on her. I have no idea why that happened."

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? THERE'S NO VISION HERE AT ALL!"

"Apologies..." The singing swelled in volume as Hakase emerged from cottage. "I had forgotten the speech files that I was going to install, so I installed some mp3 files that I found on your Chisame's hard drive..."

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? THE PROPHET LOOKED AT ME AND LAUGHED AT ME! HE SAID-"

"Why on earth did you think that was a good idea?" Chisame put a hand to her forehead.

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? HE SAID YOU'RE BLIND, TOO BLIND TO SEE!"

"But there's good news!" Hakase grinned.

"HEAR THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER!"

"I swear, if you switched to Geico, I'm going to punch you." Chisame growled.

"SEE HIS EYE AS HE STOPS ONE OF THREE!"

"No, it's just that the vocalization program is working successfully. She's reproducing the voices contained in the sound files. The bad news is that she isn't comprehending the inherent meaning in the words that she's pronouncing; she's just selecting them at random."

"MESMERIZES ONE OF THE WEDDING GUESTS!"

"I never would have noticed that..." Evangeline rolled her eyes. "So how do we make her shut up?"

"STAY HERE AND LISTEN TO THE NIGHTMARES OF THE SEA!"

"Um...about that..." Hakase looked down as she began twiddling her thumbs. "I haven't quite figured out how to remove the sound files without removing the speech capacity entirely. Until I can do that, I'm afraid she'll keep singing."

"AND THE MUSIC PLAYS ON AS THE BRIDE PASSES BY!"

"Fine, just hurry it up." Evangeline sighed. "I can't put up with this for much longer." She glanced contemplatively into the sky. "Although I suppose it could be worse..."

"CAUGHT BY THE SPELL AND THE MARINER TELLS HIS TALE!"

"How?" Chisame glanced at Hakase as she re-entered the cottage. Evangeline took a calm sip of her tea.

"She could be rapping."

* * *

><p>"Well, that was a disaster!" Suramui grumbled as she dragged herself along the sidewalk. "I can't believe you two screwed that up so badly."<p>

"It's not like we knew that she was a special agent for the Megalomesembrian government..." Ameko mumbled.

"Perhaps if you had done some more reconnaissance, things would note have gone so badly," Purin added. "Had we known what we were getting into we might have been more successful. Perhaps we could make a second attempt..."

"Screw that." Suramui adjusted the comically oversized bandage that was wrapped around her head. " Let's go after Chamo. He's a butt monkey anyway. Nobody'll care if we kidnap him."

"Sounds like a plan." Ameko nodded. Purin just sighed.

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>Anybody who recognizes the songs that Amalthea is singing gets a thousand points.<p> 


	14. Yet More Fan Service

****Chapter 14: Yet More Fan Service****

**By Shadow Crystal Mage**

* * *

><p><em>"It's time to toss the dice…"<em>

* * *

><p>The three slime girls stared at the empty ropes.<p>

"Maybe we should have remembered they were ninja," Suramui mused. "I'm pretty sure there's such a thing as a 'Rope-Untying Jutsu'…"

"I hear it's basic stuff," Ameko agreed.

From above, a net dropped.

"Yay!" Fuuka cried, leaping out of her hiding place.

"Captured!" Fumika declared. "Hah! We have you now, our pretties! Now, you're _our _prisoners!"

The slimes exchanged looks, and then just oozed out from under the net. "Slimes, remember?" Purin said. "Shape shifting, liquid stock monsters?"

A beat.

"Well, crap," Fuuka said.

"Hah ha!" Suramui cried. "Doubtless this is the on-screen fight scene where we show how effective we are when we're not fighting the main character the manga is named after!"

"Hah! You wish!" Fumika cried. "This is _certainly_ the scene where we kick your ass, thus establishing our power level and use as more than Lolicon bait!"

The slimes morphed, shifting into creepy, agile forms that had tentacles sprouting out. The twins drew out their weapons, Fuuka drawing out a ninjato, Fumika flourishing a croquet mallet.

"When we're done with you, we are going to fill every hole you have," Ameko said menacingly.

"We'll keep you in the bathtub and make you pleasure us for eternity," Fuuka growled back.

With an almighty cry, they clashed.

* * *

><p>"Ich wolle Pocky essen!" Amalthea cried, clapping her hands.<p>

"This isn't much of an improvement," Chisame said, looking at the robot baby-brain. "What good is her being able to speak in nothing but German?-!"

"Nur weil Sie nur eine Sprache sprechen in einer zunehmend globalisierten Welt ist deine eigene Schuld, Hasegawa, " Evangeline said, arms crossed.

The hacker frowned. "I didn't understand a word of that but I can TELL it was an insult."

"Well, duh," Evangeline said.

"We'll get it right this time," Chao said.

Evangeline blinked as if she just remembered something. "Oh yeah… I owe you something, Lingshen," she said.

"Hmm?" the genius hummed, not paying attention.

WHACK!

"Ow!" the descendant cried.

"THAT'S for making me give up a date with Boya on the last day of the festival, you time-traveling bitch," Evangeline said.

WHACK!

"Ow! Well, what was THAT for?"

"I just felt like it."

"Done!" Hakase said, uploading the new data to Amalthea.

They watched as the robot grew still as she assimilated the data.

"How do you feel, Amalthea?" Chao asked.

Amalthea opened her mouth…

"This parrot is dead! It has—"

"CHAO! YOU PROMISED YOU WERE GOING TO TRANSFER THOSE MONTY PYTHON FILES SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

* * *

><p>The five lay back on the bed.<p>

"Well, that was fun," Fuuka said, clad in air, various slimes, and chewing on a stick of Pocky.

"Yeah," Suramui agreed, sipping fruit yogurt from a straw. "Who'd have thought we'd bond over being underused in the manga?"

"We're not even used as fetish fuel anymore," Fumika pouted.

"Those stupid SHAFT anime mascots get more action than us," Purin said.

"Clearly, the only logical course of action is to join forces and have sex to celebrate," Ameko concluded.

There was a brief pleasant sigh.

"I know a few more people we can recruit," Fuuka said brightly.

"Do tell…" Suramui purred.

Purin frowned. "I don't know… we can't just hook up with anyone! Kidnapping a harem is one thing, but hooking up with people for consensual interspecies sex is another!"

"They're hot," Fuuka said.

"Well, the least we can do is meet with them…"

* * *

><p>"First the slimes escaping, now this…" Takane muttered. "What have we got?"<p>

Mei consulted her clipboard. "Subject is a pony with bright pastel coloring. Cause of death…" They both looked at the corpse. "It seems to be to have been beaten to death with a book."

Megumi took her tongs and put said book in an evidence bag. "It appears to be a copy of Twilight."

"Finally, someone found a use for it," Takane muttered. She frowned. "How did we end up turning into CSI Mahora?"

* * *

><p>Chao repressed the urge to cackle maniacally as she checked off "Create even more moe ridiculously human robot" from her Master Plan V2 list. Soon, everything would be in place, and she would finally be able to deal with the REAL reason she'd gone back in time again. Soon, the so-called Cracklords would be dealt with…<p>

"This is quite an accomplishment," Hakase commented as Chao put her list away. "Amalthea is our new Obra Maestra! With her we will SURELY win a Nobel prize this time!"

"Don't let Chachamaru hear you say that," Chao said (and WHY was she referring to herself by her family name in her own narration? Was she some kind of almighty janitor?). "I think she tried to get the baby to play with scissors."

Hakase nodded. "So, when are we getting married?"

Chao blinked. "We what now?"

Hakase froze, and then turned slowly to look at her. The expression on her face was so hellish Chao nearly reached for her limiter releasers. "CHAO CHRISTOPHER LINGSHEN—!" Hakase cried.

"That's not my middle name," Chao tried to protest and was overridden.

"YOU ARE ****NOT**** EVADING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY THIS TIME!" Hakase raged. "I WAS UNDERSTANDING WHEN YOU BEGAT CHACHAMARU ON ME—!"

"'Begat'?" Chao mouthed.

"WE WERE YOUNG ANG FOOLISH; THERE WASN'T TIME TO BE MARRIED! IT WOULD HAVE RUINED OUR FUTURES, HAVING A KID WHILE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL! BUT YOU WERE THERE AND YOU DID YOUR FATHERLY DUTIES TO PROVIDE SO I LEFT YOU MOSTLY OFF THE HOOK!"

"Can you release the caps lock please?" Chao begged.

Hakase huffed, but continued. "But then you ran off after Mahorafest, leaving me to take care of our daughter alone! Do you realize how difficult it was for me to deal with her discovering her sexuality? And then she had that accident where she was cut in half! But we got past and then YOU just waltz back in as if nothing had happened and come back into our lives without so much as an explanation! And THEN, you get me pregnant with another baby!"

"Hey, there was no pregnancy inv-" Chao tried to cut in.

"AND NOW YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO DODGE RESPONSIBILITY! WELL, NOT THIS TIME CHAO BARTHOLOMEW LINGSHEN—!"

"THAT'S NOT MY MIDDLE NAME!"

"WE ARE GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE I DON'T WANT OUR DAUGHTERS TO GROW UP BEING TEASED FOR BEING BORN BASTARDS, YOU HEAR ME?-!-?-!-?-!"

Chao just stared, flabbergasted.

Evangeline munched on popcorn as she and Chisame watched. "Well, say something!" she urged. "It was getting good!"

* * *

><p>"Slime-chans, this is Eiko and the high school dodgeball team," Fuuka introduced.<p>

Eiko flipped her hair. "There was mention of Fanfic appearances?" she said

Suramui nodded approvingly. "She's hot. They're in!"

**_**- to be continued…**_**


	15. Plot!

**Out of Control **

**Chapter 15: Plot!**

**by Darkenning**

* * *

><p><em>"Something something something something, <em>  
><em>something something something."<em>  
><em>- Someone.<em>

* * *

><p>"This concludes our report on the crime scene in question," Takane read off from her clipboard while Mei and Megumi stood behind her. "As an addendum, we should note that we have been unable to contact any of the deceased pony's colleagues who are also known to be present on campus, and so the victim's family has not yet been notified."<p>

"I see," said the Headmaster, nodding soberly. "You have all done very well in this investigation."

_We have?_ wondered Takane. _We haven't even positively identified the victim yet. Maybe he's just being polite_.

"Please leave your reports with me, and I'll be sure to pass them on to the investigators who'll be taking over the case," the old man continued.

Now Takane blinked. "But sir, shouldn't we be the ones to -"

"Not in the least," he interrupted. "This is an affair which should be left to professionals. You're not CSI: Mahora, after all."

While that was exactly what Takane herself had been thinking a little while ago, the implication that she wasn't a professional rankled. "But -"

"Consider that while you'd be investigating this situation, who will be patroling the streets as a magical defender of justice?" he asked, eyebrows raised. "One of those duties is a higher calling than the other."

She sighed. "Of course, you're right, sir. Please forgive my impetuousity."

"Certainly," he replied. And lifted up a box. "Now, how would you girls like some cupcakes? Old family recipe."

After some hemming and hawing and well just one-ing, the girls each took a cupcake and started noshing on them as Konoemon smiled genially at them. "Well?" he asked cheerfully.

"Uh, well," Takane temporized. The cupcakes seemed oddly bitter to her taste buds, almost as though they were tasting tears. From the looks on her Ministras faces, they didn't think much of them either. "They're certainly a unique flavor," she finally decided to say. This was true. "I'm sure they'd be very popular with lots of people." Also true. People ate bugs, after all.

"Thank you. You warm this old man's heart. I'll take care of the rest," he added, holding out his hand and receiving the reports. The girls bowed and headed out of his office, closing the doors behind him and leaving him alone.

He waited a moment before he got up and danced over to the waste basket and filed the reports in the circular file, grinning madly all the while. He danced back to his desk and opened a drawer to reveal the bound form of Chamo resting on its bottom. With a flick of his finger, he undid the gag that prevented the magical ermine from making any noise. "Go on, say it!" he crowed.

"You'll never get away with this!" Chamo shouted.

"But I am!" the old man giggled.

"I don't know what you're trying to pull, Albert Chamomile, but eventually your evil schemes will come to naught!" the ermine said with grim resolve. "Transferring your mind into my body won't save you when -"

"Sorry, but could you please say that evil schemes bit again? I love that expression, I really do!"

Konoemon-in-Chamo's body sighed, and then opened his mouth to repeat the expression "evil schemes". This allowed whoever-in-Konoemon's body to push the gag back into place and shut the drawer.

"I'm getting away with it, I'm getting away with it," he sang to himself.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe her attitude!" Chao lamented to Satsuki. "I mean, she doesn't even call me by my personal name, but she wants to get married? Kind of missing some intimacy steps in there-aru yo!"<p>

But I thought Chao was your personal name, Satsuki observed serenely as she prepared delicious meat buns.

"No, Chao is my family name, Lingshen is my personal name. I really hate it when people get that backwards!"

So sorry.

"Oh, not you. It's other people who do it that annoy me. But what am I going to do about this problem-aru? I can't marry Hakase, my three husbands back home would never stand for it!"

Satsuki opened her mouth to reply to that statement, realized the dozen or so things that were wrong with it, and promptly closed it. I'm sure that everything will work out in the end, she expressed after a moment.

"Well, yes, but how -"

Just then, Hakase came running up. "Chao! Chao!" she cried.

"See, she doesn't - what? What is it?"

"Our daughter - Amalthea - she's -"

_**TO BE CONTINUED.**_


	16. The Truth

**Chapter 16: The Truth**

**By Sereg**

* * *

><p><em>The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.<em>

_-Albus Dumbledore_

* * *

><p>"All right, I'm here Nodoka-chan." Kazumi said as she walked up to the young librarian. "What was it that you wanted to see me about?"<p>

"W-well, I'd l-like to h-hire you, Asakura-san." Nodoka stuttered without looking up.

"Really?" Kazumi asked with widened eyes. "What do you want me to do?"

"I n-need you to t-take pictures of Eva-chan interacting w-with Amalthea-chan and s-send them to Ku:nel Sanders-san." Nodoka replied.

"I see…" Kazumi said, raising an eyebrow, "And what do you intend to do about payment?"

* * *

><p>At that moment, back in her cabin, Eva was enjoying a break from Amalthea. She finally got round to opening her new book and began to read with a smile. Her plan was finally progressing again. She allowed herself an evil laugh. She had to celebrate after all.<p>

* * *

><p>The individual in the body of Konoemon looked out of the window and smiled. Two more people whom he needed to deal with standing and talking alone. Perhaps he should take this opportunity. He couldn't have enemy mind-readers or spy satellites around him after all. Still, he had many preparations to do. He pressed a button hidden underneath the desk and a bookshelf slid along the wall, revealing a staircase leading downwards. He walked down the stairs, allowing the shelf to close behind him and entered a room full of various equipment that appeared to be monitoring the school and arcane books.<p>

In the centre of the room, in the middle of a magic circle, strapped to a gurney and gagged, lay a young Chinese man in a lab coat over a Chao Bao Zi uniform. "Hmmmmffl!" cried the man. Konoemon raised an eyebrow and undid the gag. There was no one else to hear him anyway. "I…need a smoke!" gasped the man.

"Can't help you with that." grinned Konoemon. "You're going on a detox! After all, I'll need my body healthy for when I'm reunited with my beloved!"

"Why have you done this to me!" gasped the man.

"Oh, you were just unfortunate enough to bare witness to my arrival." Konoemon said. "I can't have anyone know that I'm here and what I'm planning. That's why I had to get rid of that snoop of a pony as well. Besides, I needed a body to get around, even if I only used yours long enough to get this one."

"What do you want?" asked Chamo-in-the man's body.

"I just want my wife to return to me." Konoemon said picking up a blu-ray disc. Ridiculously primitive technology. How did his wife cope with it? But he needed something that current computers would accept to broadcast his edited footage of his wife admitting to being a mage and her plans to reveal magic to the world.

"I will sever all her ties here and chase her back into my arms. Do you know how much it hurts to not be man enough for your wife? Then not even managing to think of a way to kill your competition without her finding out? For her to leave you to go on a long term project only to whisper the name of a woman while she sleeps after her return? And then for her to go back again, despite her previous failure? 'I'm sorry dear, but you learning cooking and advanced physics for me wasn't good enough. Nor were your attempts to become a better mage. But it's okay, as a member of the royal family, I'm allowed multiple spouses.' Do you understand what it's like to experience those sentiments from your wife!"

"No." admitted Chamo.

"But I shall turn this school into a living Hell where she can no longer depend on those she loves and make it so that unless she returns to me, she'll end up as an ermine!" continued Konoemon. "Freeing the Slimes was merely the first step. Soon this place will be crawling with threats. I simply have to get rid of some possible interferences. Pity that I can't take out Springfield too. But, I think that I'd like another advantage. A trump card if you will."

He adjusted the straps so that the man's mouth was forced closed. "Plus, I've always wondered what my wife feels when I kiss her." He planted Konoemon's lips onto his own and a purple glow filled the room before a card popped into existence. He picked up the card and pulled a Cassiopeia and another pactio card out of his pocket. The other pactio card had "Tao Lingshen" written on the back and he put it with his newly formed one, placing everything back into his pocket. He then picked up a cupcake and took a bite.

Clearly, he wasn't yet at his wife's level of being able to make something delicious using any starting ingredient. He needed to visit the Chao Bao Zi. He missed her food and he'd probably get to look at the competition. No way was some girl born in twentieth century Earth going to take his beloved from him so that they could have a little robot family together! Yes, the robots and his competition were very high on his list of people that he needed to get rid of. But first, the mind-reader. She should have trouble with some robots of his own. And his wife didn't even know this design. All the better for him. If she found out, all his plans would be ruined.

A/N: We don't often do author's notes for this fic, but I'd like to announce that Out of Control now has a TVTropes page and if you add to it, it'll make us feel better, especially as we don't get a lot of reviews.

Also, a quick guide:

Konoemon is in Chamo's body which is tied up in his desk drawer.

Chao's husband is in Konoemon's body.

Chamo is in Chao's husband's body which is strapped to a gurney in a secret room.


	17. MOAR PLOT!

**Chapter 17**

**Moar Plot**

* * *

><p><em>I reject your reality, and substitute my own<em>

_-Adam Savage_

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE!<strong>

Evangeline slammed her book shut at the sound. Centuries of dodging wannabe vampire hunters and demon slayers had bequeathed her with an uncanny sixth sense. And right now, it was telling her that someone had entered her domicile unannounced.

Mustering enough stealth to make Solid Snake green with envy, the eternal child made her way out of her room and down the stairs, skillfully dodging three incredibly squeaky steps purposely built into her cabin. As soon as her bare feet touched the floor, she vanished into the shadows. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness as she made her way toward the kitchen. She caught sight of Amalthea sleeping on the couch, several wires still connected to her head. Eva rolled her eyes, trying not to think about the amount of projection those two girls were putting on that robot. Finally, she felt the wood floor beneath her give way to the ceramic tile of her kitchen. Now to figure out who was ballsy enough to invade HER house.

"You can cut it out Evangeline-dono. We both know I know you're there." Evangeline hissed as she clicked the light on. Leaning against her counter was 3-A's resident mercenary, Mana.

"You know, you could have just knocked." She spat, walking toward the fridge, trying not to make eye contact with the one member of her class who _could_ break into her house.

"Save the comedy for when I'm getting paid hourly. I'm actually here of my own fruition."

Eva peeked around the fridge door. "I thought such charity work was beneath you?"

"My contract states that I am to aid in the security of this school by any means necessary. If that means I need to play messenger boy a few times, then so be it."

"Alright," Evangeline withdrew a can of soda from the appliance, popping the cap with one expertly-trimmed fingernail. "What's the scuttlebutt?"

"I have reason to believe the principal has been compromised."

"In what way?"

"His aura has shifted significantly, and his behavior is getting steadily stranger."

"Maybe he's finally given up on matching Konoka with someone."

"He offered me cupcakes."

Eva paused mid-sip. "That is strange," she replied. "Any other news?"

Mana's eyes narrowed. "I have just fulfilled my contract's requirements. Any further intelligence will cost you." Evangeline snorted; if there was one thing she loved more than anything it was gossip. That was why she tolerated Asakura.

"I've got half of one of Satsuki's cakes in here. Leftovers from the party everyone threw Chachamaru."

"Payment accepted." In the blink of an eye Mana was at the refrigerator, digging into the glory that was Satsuki's food. "Were you aware of the inter-dimensional exchange students currently residing in Library Island?"

"You mean those pastel-colored horses?" Eva asked.

"Yes, apparently one of them was murdered." Eva's eyebrows shot up.

"Now this _is_ getting interesting."

"Yes apparently her name was Trixie. The others I spoke with didn't seem too fond of her."

"You think one of them knocked her off?"

"No, the forensics team found traces of human DNA on the copy of _Twilight_ used to bump her off."

"And the relations with _another_ trans-dimensional world go down the tubes." The vampire sighed.

Mana finished her cake and moved toward the front door. "Just so you know, I've taken the liberty of hiring some of my old contacts. If the principal _has_ been compromised, I want a good backup."

"Is it Blackwater?" Mana scoffed.

"I would never associate myself with those rank amateurs."

**()()()**

**DOUBLE MEANWHILE!**

Negi Springfield was sitting calmly in Asuna's room, the light of the reading lamp illuminating the desk he sat at. A large stack of papers stood in front of him, each one marked with red ink in some way; the fruits of three hours worth of labor.

"I'm home." Negi turned around at the sound of Asuna coming in.

"Welcome back Asuna-san," he greeted. "How did it go with Master?"

"Oh, she was as bitchy as usual. I had to re-do the door three times because it wasn't straight."

"Thank you for helping me," Negi thanked, getting up from the desk. "Thanks to you, Master will look after Amalthea."

"Meh, don't worry about it." She sighed, climbing up to her futon. "Hey, are those our reports?"

"Yes, I finally finished grading them," Negi announced, pumping his fists in the air.

"So, how'd I do."

"Much better than normal. I think working with Nodoka-san really helped your grade."

"It better have," she announced, placing her fists on her hips. "Took me all week to finish that."

At that moment, a bolt of pure fire shattered the window. It struck the stack of papers, enguling the reports in a tall gout of flame. Before either of them could have reacted, the papers were consumed, leaving only ash and smoldering embers.

"_What the hell was that?" _Asuna shouted, pointing to where the stack once was.

"I don't know," Negi replied, running his fingers through the ash. "But I think that attack was meant for me."

"You mean we have _another_ enemy?" Asuna wined.

"I'm afraid so," he replied. "And you're going to have to re-do your paper."

The sounds of Asuna's scream of anguish was heard all the way in Kyoto.

* * *

><p>Nothing like a harmless retcon.<p> 


	18. Blatant Lies

**Chapter 18: In Which A Trope About How Tropes Being Described Is Described**

* * *

><p><strong>By Shadow Crystal Mage, Overlord of All CRACK!, Caster Class Servant With Rank EX Mental Pollution, He-Who-Really-Needs-A-Job, and mayor of a little town up the coast. No, we do not have zombies, don't be absurd. We have nympomanic loli succubi looking for life-long partners who are willing to let them sleep with other women. <strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>"Winter is coming..."<em>**

**_"…STOCK UP ON VIENNA SAUSAGES!"_**

* * *

><p>Chao glared at Konoemon. Or at least, Konoemon's body. "You…" she said in annoyance and not a small amount of disgust. "Couldn't you take the hint with the restraining order?"<p>

"But Chao! I love you!" he cried.

In the table next to Chao, am ermine was puffing away on a long pipe, looking quite stern. Somehow, he'd managed to grow out his fur into insanely long eyebrows and a beard since we last saw him two chapters ago. "While I am grateful I am no longer tied up inside my own desk drawer, I must ask how exactly did you figure out I had been replaced."

Off to the side, Takane coughed. "It all hinged upon of the murder of the pony, headmaster. You see, despite the impostors orders, I felt it my moral duty to continue investigating the death of a complete stranger I had never personally met before."

"You and Mei were role-playing being David Boreanz and Emily Deschanel again, weren't you?" Chao said.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Takane cried. Mei discretely hid the ball they were using to pretend she was pregnant. The blonde coughed. "Anyway, I managed to learn that during her time here, the pony known as Trixie somehow managed to acquire a contractor and excavator's licenses. He traced her licenses and found that she had recently rented earthmoving equipment. This eventually lead us to a large pile of non-descript dirt which we were able to analyze in five minutes. The dirt contained a unique blend of human excrement, rotten egg residue, shredded papers, and bandages that led us to the area under the headmaster's office. From them, it as child's play to interview people and learn that dirt had been dug up to create a secret chamber under the headmaster's office that Trixie helped construct."

"Curses!" Konoemon's body cursed. "Foiled again by flashy Hollywood criminology!"

Mei blinked. "Again?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Damned psychic detective and his black sidekick…"

Ermine!Konoemon was nodding. "Very good, Takane-san. As always, the total disregard for authority of the students of this school have once more foiled an evil plot and made it inconvenient to take disciplinary action. "

"I did it for you Chao!" the Me-Grand-Theft-er cried. "I did it for you! So that we could be happy together."

Chao sighed. "Lingshen…"

"Ah! Why must you be so impersonal with _me_, one of your own husbands!"

"Oh, for crying out loud, Lingshen, you're not my husband!" Chao snapped. "'Chao' is my family name, not my given name! And you're a crazy stalker who mixed up his naming conventions and thought we were married because we had the same first name and once helped me scam a hotel into getting the honeymoon suite!"

"Oh, Chao, honey, that woman you've been seeing has drugged you and infected you with all sorts of vile lies!" Tao said. "Just because you're a little confused is no reason to deny me and your other husbands!"

"THAT WAS A DRUNKEN NIGHT BETWEEN FRIENDS IN LAS VEGAS!" Chao cried. "It was a funny story, we're getting it annulled, that's it! One of them is gay, for crying out loud, and the other is my cousin Syoaran! Honestly, how decadent do you think I am?-!"

As this isn't a chapter written by Darkenning, the answer is, 'Definitely not at all'.

Konoemon coughed. "Well, it seems all is well now. How soon before the two of us can switch bodies?"

_A scene change later…_

"Wow, that fast, huh?" Konoemon said, smoking his pipe as he sat behind his desk. "Well, nice to see all's well that ends well."

The door opened. "Grandpa, do you know what this rash is?" Konoka asked, scratching at the back of her hand.

Konoemon stared at the three Command Seals on his grand-daughter's hand. "Oh, fuck."

* * *

><p>"Okay," Suramui said, whacking the blackboard behind her with a pointer. "First, we recruit Sextum Averruncus for her Dark-Horse Ensemble Surprise Sexy Villain status. Afterwards, we go to Paio Zi and recruit her for her Funny Pervert abilities. Then that little gladiator fairy who was in that three-page fight during the gladiator arc and a single page when they were looking for the sports girls because she was kinda hot and in case we need to fulfill some kinda vore criteria. After that, we need to embark on some mad-cap, sexy adventure and still the limelight away from everyone with our awesome character development, cracky fun, Adaptational Badassery, and lots of kinky loli sex. Any questions?"<p>

Fuuka raised her hand. "Can we get a token male? You know, for variety and contrast? It worked pretty well on StrikerS…"

"Well, that depends…" Ameko said. "We'll have to hold auditions… they'd need high endurance…"

Zazie raised a finger.

Everyone blinked. "When did you get here?" Fumika asked.

Zazie made a cgesture that communicated quite clearly she happened to join the orgy between chapters.

"Ah."

…


	19. In Which the Pains of Coming Up with

**Chapter 19: In Which the Pains of Coming Up with Seven or More Servants to Include in this Story are Avoided**

**By OverMaster, also known as Napoleon De Cheese, That Guy Over There, The One who Gave Darkenning the Idea for **_**Decadent Habits**_**, and Ala Iridia's sole **_**Happy Tree Friends**_** Fan.**

"Good evening, what can I do for you?" the male voice asked from inside the confessional.

"We come for spiritual and practical guidance on the subject of a Holy Grail War," Konoemon answered.

The priest's voice sighed. "Oh, everyone always comes asking about Grail Wars. Why can't you all be a bit more curious about our actual faith?"

"We aren't Catholic," Konoka explained.

"Well, then why aren't you asking the local Shinto shrine?"

"Mana-chan only told us to stop playing so many Visual Novels when we asked," Konoka explained again.

"Good advice. Then, what did you get? Caster, Rider, Berserker, Lancer, Assassin, Archer, Vigilante, Saber or Avenger?" the figure hidden by the convenient shadows of the church asked again.

"Vigilante?" Konoemon echoed.

"Errr, sorry, my mind slipped there. Anyway, who or what is your Servant?"

"I have no Servant yet. Only these markings, " Konoka held her hand up.

Shiny eyes looked at her from within the shadows. "Oh, I see. Then, in that case, you must get ready to be attacked on your way back by a merciless enemy Servant. After he mortally wounds you, you'll find out who's supposed to be your Servant. Everything will be explained from there, but be warned- There will be eventual Hentai scenes that won't be edited out until the all ages re-release. You aren't engaged into any sort of decadence, are you?"

The two of them looked at each other for a moment before answering at once, "No."

Elsewhere, Setsuna felt a jolt of ice running up her spine.

After deciding (s)he hadn't liked that pause at all, the priest continued, "Well, that's all I can share. I'm asked to be cryptically misleading about these things, you know. It's, uh... a Dogma of ours."

"I'm not sure I like these rules," said Konoka. "Especially the one about lethal wounds."

"Don't worry, people never dies when they're killed here," the priest shared. "Even if you are, you'll be back for the much less famous sequel. Just be glad you aren't a Puella Magi. So, anything else you want to ask or confess? Are you sure you aren't into decadence at all?"

"No," Konoka rasped. "I mean, I'm sure I'm not into it! However, I want to know, is it a sin to have romantic feelings for another girl?"

Misora looked down at the dark haired girl kneeling between her legs and said, "No. Would that stop you anyway?"

"Not at all. Just asking, " Konoka replied with a simple sincere smile. Her grandfather sighed. "What about ten year olds?"

"Boy, or girl?"

"Boy."

"Foreigner?"

"Yes."

"From Wales?"

"Exactly."

"Is he a teacher?"

"He is, yeah."

"Negi-sensei?"

Konoka gasped. "How'd you guess?"

"Female Intu— I mean, the Holy Spirit," the Father replied. "Just pray two Hail Marys each night and be extra-nice to your cute classmate Misora, and that sin will be overlooked. Now if you excuse me, I should be treating actual Christian matter with actual Christian devouts now..."

"Okay, we get the clue," said Konoemon.

"By the way, Grandpa, why _did_ we come here for guidance?" Konoka asked as they left the church. "Aren't you one of the wisest Magi in this world?"

"Yes, but I never could ever finish _Unlimited Blade Works_ or get the _Heavens' Feel_ route," the old man admitted. "I never could figure out how to level up enough to beat the final boss..."

Konoka sweatdropped. "I'm not sure you understood the full gist of playing a Visual Novel, Grandpa. How did you even make it that far...?"

Then, while walking across Sakura Lane, they ran into a lost young man with short dark brown hair and glasses. "Um, good evening, I'm looking for my wife's younger half sister, who studies here. Her name's Mei Sak—"

"ENEMY SERVANT! I'LL PROTECT YOU, KONOKA-CHAN!" the old man jumped to defend his granddaughter.

"AAAIIIEEEEE!"

And that's why that's all we'll see of that young man in this fanfic.

At the Church, inside of the confessional, Misora smiled to herself. "Hm, hm, hm. Painting that fake Command Seal on Konoka-chan's hand while she slept made for the greatest prank ever..."

"Setsuna will kill you if she ever learns..." Cocone whispered.

Misora grabbed Cocone's head and pressed it back against _there_ to keep her quiet...

* * *

><p>. "Very well, tell us your name and what do you do," Suramui yawned cutely. Pudding, Ameko, Fuuka and Fumika sat around her, all of them wearing glasses and looking ready to take anotations in their respective notebooks. Zazie only juggled several balls and two bowling pins.<p>

The tall guy standing before them smiled cockily and posed. "My name's Gokutuji Kaoru, champion of Mahora Street Fighting! The undefeated titan of the underground circuits! Let me in your group, and I'll rock your world, girls!"

"Who is this clown?" Fuuka grumbled.

"No idea..." Pudding said.

"I think he's one of the guys Negi-kun beat in the preliminaries for the tournament," Fumika said.

"Hey, then you aren't undefeated at all!" Fuuka told the guy.

"I said it clearly; undefeated IN THE UNDERGROUND CIRCUITS!" he pointed out.

"You sure Takahata-san hasn't kicked your butt there?" Fuuka asked him.

"No! I always split away when I see him coming!"

The twins facefaulted. "Next candidate," Fumika asked.

"Actually, he's the only one who showed up," Suramui said. "Men in Mahora aren't very take-charge, are they?"

"What do you think is the _real_ reason we keep chasing a ten year old boy?" Fumika asked back.

"Why couldn't we at least get Johnny-san? Johnny-san is cool, or so I've heard..." Fuuka sighed. "Okay then, Kaoru-kun, you're in for the time being! But you'll be under probation until we decide if you're good enough for the job!"

He pumped a fist up. "YEAH! My big break! Oh, if Mom could see me now...!"

"You have a phallic hairdo..." Ameko told him.

"Yeah, I hear that lot. What does 'phallic' mean, anyway?"

"It means you're most likely overcompensating," Fuuka replied. "Now tell me, how do you feel about Yaoi...?"

"Eh?-!"

"Nee-chan!" Fumika gasped.

"What? We gotta keep **every** corner of Fanservice covered! I want female readers, too!"


	20. Dr Chaolove

**Chapter 20: Dr. Chaolove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb**

**By No Limit**

* * *

><p><em>Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.<em>

– _General Buck Turgidson_

* * *

><p>Evangeline sighed. It almost seemed like an eternity since the creation of the second robotic love child between Chao and Hakase, and yet nothing of note was really accomplished. Her cottage had been destroyed numerous times, a dead pony was found on Mahora's premises, one of Chao's many husbands attempted a hostile attack, and there were reports of two of her classmates were perfecting decadent acts with three slime beings. It was as if her life had become an embodiment of the deranged brainchild of a group made up of man-children that devote their free time to coming up with the stupidest stories ever.<p>

She dropped an Alka-Seltzer into her glass of water; the calming sizzle it emitted already soothing the chronic migraine she had developed ever since Amalthea was born. She made a mental note reminding herself that she still never wants kids. Nagi's smexiness be damned! "All this nonsense was getting to me," she muttered. "Perhaps a little me time in the old resort will cool my nerves…"

Evangeline only took one step into her personal resort when she saw it had become a colossal pile of destroyed marble pillars and assorted walls and ceilings. From a single glance, she recognized the machine gun shells and plasma residue everywhere that could only belong to two people – two _robotic_ people. She swung her seven-inch-long glass into her mouth and swallowed the pain reliever in a single gulp.

"That's it."

She whipped out her cell phone and hit speed dial nine. "Hello? Yes, this is client Evangeline A.K. McDowell. I placed a special order fifteen years ago? Yes, I would like it carried out now. Yes, I am sure. Mercury speed delivery, please. Thank you."

She flicked her phone close as the unmistakably distinct whistling sound of a bomb rang from the sky above. She closed her eyes, held her arms out for embrace, and awaited the inevitable destruction of Mahora Academy…

**BAD END**

**CONTINUE?**

**or**

**QUIT?**

Evangeline opened her eyes, ending her imagined scenario. "I really have to cut down on the visual novels."

* * *

><p>Chao, meanwhile, wasn't far off from Evangeline's mental state. Project X's growth has slowed considerably. She wasn't growing at a satisfactory rate for her. In fact, it seemed as if Project X has been <em>regressing<em>. She hit various, seemingly random keys into her needlessly giant keyboard that was connected her equally as needlessly large computer monitor that displayed several windows of complicated equations and blueprints.

She took a swig of coffee; her eyes bloodshot as they zipped right to left across the screen and hair a tangled mess from lack of proper grooming. She had searched through every single file, every single detail, every single _digit_ to understand why Project X was not progressing as planned. She ignored the cooing sounds that Project X was making in the room next door; it only reminded her more of her failure.

Her failure. This was her failure. Chao Lingshen's failure. Her left brow twitched. That did not compute. She failed? No. She couldn't have. There was no possible way that she did. It had to be something else.

A mistake in the programming of Project X's brain, perhaps? Maybe a virus had infected it? A forgotten carried one? Whatever it was, it had to be fault in the project itself. She and Hakase had set out to create the world's first artificially created human being. Could it have been the project was a failure to begin with? That they were playing with forces beyond their understanding? Who were they, as mere questioners of the universe's nature, to play God?

Chao snorted. That was a good one. But the problem remained. Why was Project X not advancing at a proper rate? She gave her eyes a break from the numbers and rested her chin upon a clenched hand. Maybe she had failed and was simply refusing to accept the fact. It had been a stressful couple of days leading up to the activation of Project X. She probably did make an error in the math. Being wrong for once isn't so bad, right?

Chao felt a tug on her lab coat's sleeve, and turned to see Amalthea standing by her side. She held out a framed photo to her, which Chao took. She saw that it was a picture taken when her classmates had thrown a baby shower for her, Hakase and Amalthea. The three were surrounded by the rest of 3-A; the banner reading IT'S A GIRL hanging above them all. Hakase held their creation with a proud grin while Chao was looking away awkwardly. Chao lowered the framed photo, seeing the most nauseatingly big smile on Amalthea's face.

Being wrong about being wrong isn't so bad either.

* * *

><p>AN: I thought it was about time we took advantage of that Family subgenre that we listed for this.


	21. Boundless Absurdity

**Out of Control  
><strong>_Boundless Absurdity  
><em>**By Gundam Kaiser, alias Eva Unit 01**

* * *

><p>"<em>Kick reason out and do the impossible!"<br>__- Kamina  
><em>

* * *

><p>Haruna asked, "So tell me again why I'm not allowed in fifty meters of Amalthea without you or the Prof supervising?"<p>

Chao chirped, "Because Hakase is insistent on Amalthea remaining a virgin at least until she's 30-yo."

Laughing a little, Haruna said, "Oh _come on_. Give me _some_ credit, at least. I mean, it's not like I go around molesting babies or anything."

Chao paused a moment, before muttering, "The way you said that gives me cause to suspect you-ne."

Fortunately, the hyper-perverted mangaka didn't hear that remark, and the duo parted ways on more-or-less amiable terms.

Upon reaching her dorm, Haruna clasped her hands in ill-repressed glee as she mentally prepared to begin her latest project – before her mouth suddenly fell ajar in openly-displayed horror.

Her extensive library of yaoi works had been destroyed.

And standing before her, a lighter in his hand and a grin on his face, was a tall man in an unfamiliar uniform of some sort. Looked like something religious in nature, but quite different from Misora's garb.

The tan man's grin widened ever further and he even began to chuckle as he said, without sincerity, "I'm truly sorry for invading your residence like this, but ALL those which go against OUR HOLY FATHER must be destroyed. _AAAAAAAAAAA_-MEN!"

Haruna wasn't listening. She wasn't upset that her privacy had been violated, or that the crazy freak in front of her might've stolen something or done something perverted.

She was angry that he had _dared_ to pass judgement on one of her favored pasttimes, and had utterly annihilated it with the dumbest attempt at a justification she'd ever heard.

No, that wasn't accurate. She wasn't angry. She wasn't even furious.

Haruna Saotome had ascended to a state of cold, undying rage so fierce that even Evangeline would think twice about fighting her.

With all the warmth of deep space, she said, "You will _pay_."

The man abruptly stopped laughing as she said, with an icy blaze in her eyes, "You will pay _dearly_ for that."

Letting her fiery emotions broil to a climax, the victimized mangaka roared, "_**ADEAT!**_"

As quill and paper appeared in her hands, Haruna furiously set to drawing her most-detailed piece of work thus far; her righteous, fangirl fury lent her the speed of Negi's lightning form.

And in the space of a second, She turned Her holy sketchbook and summoned Her creation into reality.

It was a gauntlet of bone-like metal with a brightly-glowing jewel at the center of the hand.

The man recognized it immediately, and his face lost all color. "Y-you would forever scar your fate for mere _trash_? For UNHOLY _SMUT_?"

As Haruna Saotome donned her creation, she roared, "Oh, _hell yes_ I would! BEHOLD! _WITCHBLADE!_"

As She called out the name of Her creation, the alloy making up the gauntlet quickly spread over Her body, _shredding_ Her school uniform and simultaneously donning Her in some rather stripperiffic body armor.

Haruna howled in ecstacy once Her transformation sequence was completed, before She rushed forward and punched Her mortal enemy through the wall and across the campus, before leaping after him as Her left arm began to sprout a nodachi from Her wrist.

"For what you've done, I _demand_ nothing less than COMPLETE! _AND UTTER! __**SATISFACTION!"  
><strong>_

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the Academy's very own race track…<p>

Up in the commenter's box, a plot-unimportant fellow dramatically said, "LAAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN! ON THIS _**GORGEOUS **_DAY, I WELCOME YOU ALL TO **THE MAHORA DERBY**! THE OFFICIAL HORSE RACE OF MAHORA ACADEMY! Aaaaaaaaaand NOW, students and faculty alike, I present to you the Mahora Equestrian Club, as well as our guest competitor, national horse racing champion, CAPTAIN SHOTACON!"

Not too far from the overly enthusiastic announcer, an attractive student with big glasses dryly muttered, "You _do_ realize that Captain Shotacon is _obviously_ the Class Rep Ayaka Yukihiro, right? I mean, _she named her frigging horse_ after Negi-sensei."

Meanwhile, on the track, a buxom blonde in (primarily) skintight blue spandex was leading her mighty steed into position, a crimson hood and a pair of goggles obscuring her identity. Grinning a bit at nobody in particular, she partially unzipped her suit so as to expose a hint of cleavage. Why, nobody would ever know, but everyone except Chisame was too distracted by the sexy to ask.

As Captain Shotacon spied a certain young English teacher from Wales, she blew him a kiss, which served only to confuse him and provoke Asuna into her Overprotective-Oneesama Mode, but that would be an Ultimate Showdown for another day.

And before she knew it, the race was on!

Roaring with all the enthusiasm of a nerd at a sci-fi convention, the unnamed announcer yelled, "ARE YOU SEEING THIS, PEOPLE? LOOK AT CAPTAIN SHOTACON GO, SHE AND NEGI-SENSEI HAVE ALREADY TAKEN AN IMPRESSIVE LEAD AGAINST THE CLOSEST COMPETITORS, IDIOT AND CIRCUITBOARD!"

Chisame introduced her palm to her face, muttering, "That _can't_ be a coincidence…."

"CAN YOU _BELIEVE_ THE SHOWING WE'RE GETTING FROM CAPTAIN SHOTACON? SHE'S RIDING NEGI-SENSEI HARD, _AND SHE'S RIDING HIM FAST!_ NEVER BEFORE, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, HAVE I _EVER_ SEEN A WOMAN RIDE A MAJESTIC BEAST AS HARD OR AS FAST AS CAPTAIN SHOTACON IS RIDING NEGI-SENSEI! Aaaaaaaaaand there coming around for a climactic finish, folks! This is gonna be a big one…! YEEEEEEEEES! CAPTAIN SHOTACON AND NEGI-SENSEI HAVE WON THE MAHORA DERBY! It's been a long, hard ride for Captain Shotacon, but one look at that satisfied grin on her face and you can tell it's all been worth it!"

At that moment, however, just before Captain Shotacon could be presented with her award for victory, Tao Lingshen teleported onto the track and threw grenades everywhere.

Mad with grief, the Martian Mage from another timeline roared, "CHAAAAAAAAOOOOO! YOU WILL COME BACK TO MEEE, OR EVERYBODY DIES!"

Raising an eyebrow at this odd turn of events, Chisame glanced at the Fourth Wall and asked, "Villainous Breakdown much?"

Fortunately, however, a heroine was already on the scene!

Ayaka Yukihiro, in her disguise as Captain Shotacon, said, "You! I don't know who you are nor do I care, but those who threaten the lives of little boys – and also other innocent people - cannot be forgiven! COME NOW, VILLAIN, AND _SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!_"

Rising to the challenge in his freaked-out state, Tao Lingshen leapt into the air and tried to strike the Captain with a flying kick, but she evaded it effortlessly.

Hair dramatically billowing in the wind, Ayaka's fist was wreathed in golden flame as she seemingly teleported into the air, before bringing the hammer of divine boy-loving justice upon Tao's head.

"**SHOTACON PUUUUUUUUNCH!"**

The aftereffects were visible from orbit.


	22. Bad Idea To Leave The Revive To SCM…

_**OUT OF CONTROL!**_

Chapitre XXII: In Which No One Stops To Think It Is A Bad Idea To Leave The Revive To SCM…

Disclaimer: Negima is not ours.

…

"_**Shotacon Punch!"**_

Ayaka jerked awake, her fist raised upwards. She blinked blearily upwards at the ceiling.

"Wow," she muttered, sitting up from where she'd taken her nap. "That was a weird dream. Why was Haruna in it? The Mahora Derby isn't until next week."

…

"Okay," Ameko said. "Since we didn't appear last chapter, we need to make up for lost time. Spotlight Stealing Squad, assemble! Roll call!"

"Narutaki 1, Fuuka!" Fuuka cried, spinning around in a short breakdancing number. "Decadent incestous older twin! Chagrin!"

"Narutaki 2, Fumika!" Fumika said, twerking. "Decadent incestous younger twin! Chagrin!"

"Slime girl red, Ameko!" Ameko cried, pulling out her cellphone. "Commander and the leader! Chagrin!"

"Slime girl blue, Purin," Purin said, taking out a card. "I am the joy and the laughter. Chagrin!"

"Slime girl green, Suramui!" Suramui cried, flailing around with a paintbrush. "I'm the toughest fighter! Chagrin!"

"Slime girls steal the day!" they chorused. "Chagrin!"

"The earth calls, the heavens call, the people call, the man of the shining pompadour!" Kaoru cried, going through the classic Kamen Rider Black movements. "Gokutuji Kaoru, is here! Chagrin!

Zazie gestured in sign language. Everyone gasped.

"Wow Zazie, that was an awesome speech!" Fumika said. "You're getting into TvTropes for that, that's for sure! Chagrin!"

"That was undoubtedly awesome!" Ameko said. "Chagrin!"

"By the way, why do we keep saying 'chagrin'?" Fuuka said. "It doesn't even make sense to say it."

"Well, it worked for Meyer..." Purin said.

"But we're not even using it right!" Fuuka said.

"So? Neither did Meyer," Suramui said.

"All right!" Kaoru said. "What next ?"

"We recruit catgirl waitress-san!" Ameko said.

"…" Kaoru said. "I have no idea who that is."

"Kaoru-kun!" Fuuka declared, pointing dramatically at him. "Don't be limited by in-narrative thinking and knowledge! As 4th wall-breaking spotlight stealers, we have access to knowledge we're not supposed to know about in canon!"

Fumika paled. "Oneechan! You're not supposed to say that out loud!"

"Why not? It's totally obvious from the narrative. I mean,we talk about the readers, for crying out loud! It's a bit late to be so prudish."

"But we're not supposed to admit it!" Fumika wailed.

"I think we should…" Purin said. "There may be advantages…"

"Like what?"Ameko asked.

"Well, I've noticed a trend where characters who regularly break the fourthwall in-story are very popular," Ameko said. "If we are really going to steal attention to ourselves, then such a dark and forbidden technique would be of great use! We're supposed to mention little yellow boxes and make Ryan Reynolds jokes too, though I've never understood that one. "

"Still… to ignore the fourth wall…" Fumika said.

Zazie looked at everyone and gave a thumbs up. Everyone gasped.

"You're right Zazie!" Fumika said. "That's totally right! I can't believe we didn't realize that sooner!"

"Truly, Zazie has awesome reasoning skills, able to decisively get to the heart of any philosophical conundrum," Purin said.

"Hey, I thought your name was 'Pudding'?" Kaoru said.

"Eh, it depends on the translator."

…

Chao brushed her hands together. They weren't really dusty, but it was the sort of thing you did after throwing the nut who thought he was married to you into a time portal to get rid of him. "Well," she said cheerfully. "That's that! All is well in Mahora."

"_**Chao Hamish Lingshen!**_"

"That's not my middle name!" Chao said, exasperated. And honestly, she had to stop this habit of using her family name in her own internal narration. What was she, 19th century British? "Honestly, who do people keep thinking I have a middle name?"

"But it's fun to try and guess!" Haruna said, grinning as she came into the lab.

Chao sighed, but smiled in welcome. "What can I do for the most wanted manga artist in Mundus Magicus?"

"Chao, you know I'm not very patient person," Haruna said. "I mean, I don't have much impulse control, I subscribe to a self-centered morality that only barely acknowledges social mores, and I'm a nosey busybody."

Chao nodded. "All true, all true. This conversation is taking a very ominous turn, by the way. Is that your Artifact in your hands, or were you reading something?"

"I've been very patient, Chao-chan," Haruna said. "I mean, I've held it in for several days now. I haven't even mentioned it."

"Adding '-chan' to my name is sort of spoiled by it being my family-name you're using, you know," Chao noted, eyes flicking sideways.

Haruna snapped her fingers. Harunas in suits and sunglasses began walking in through the door behind her, the door to the test bunker, and in through the windows. One, for some reason, was naked and looked armed with a Witchblade. Chao looked at it quizzically.

"Oh, I had a horrible nightmare during my afternoon nap," Haruna explained, shivering slightly and muttering, "_My preciiiious…_". "Anyway, I've been pretty patient up to now, Chao-chan. But my patience is wearing thin. You have something I want, and I'm going to have it."

Chao narrowed her eyes. "You know, of all the people doing this, you were the last person I expected."

"Really? Most people would say I'm on top of the list," Haruna said brightly.

Chao shook her head, falling into a combat-ready stance. "You'll never get any of my scientific secrets from me, Haruna!" she said.

Haruna blinked, then burst out laughing. "Oh, Chao Patrick Lingshen–"

"_THAT'S NOT MY FULL NAME!_"

"Do you really think this is about something so tawdry as scientific secrets?" Haruna smirked as her Agent Smith ripoffs and one Witchblade fell into their own fighting stances. "No, I'm after something _much _more important."

Chao's eyes widened. "You don't mean…!"

"Chao Mycroft Lingshen–!"

"_**THAT'S NOT MY FULL NAME!**_"

"– _who does Negi-sensei marry?-!_" Haruna boomed.

Chao stared at her, then mumbled something.

"Whazzat?" Haruna asked, leaning forward despite herserlf.

"Cassandra Cain," Chao said, smiling. "Negi-sensei had a child with Cassandra Cain."

Then she attacked.


	23. Transitions

Transitions

by Sereg

"I have no idea what that is!" – Pinkamena Diane Pie

"I don't want to put a damper on your ... ingenious plan, but didn't Catgirl Waitress beat us up?" Purin asked as she raised an eyebrow and bit her lip.

"That was a few chapters ago. Things will be different now." Ameko nodded with conviction.

"How?" Suramui spread her palms.

"Well, we keep losing off-screen." Ameko lifted a finger and closed her eyes. "So, we need to get trained by the master of the off-screen victory!"

"Negi post-timeskip?" Suramui asked as she cocked an eyebrow.

Ameko stroked her chin. "Well, he's not available. So, I mean Jack Rakan!" She gave a large grin.

"But how are we going to convince him to train us?" Purin asked as she leaned forward.

"Simple!"Ameko said as she raised a finger. "We'll convince him that it'll be funny!"

(/)

"Who's Cassandra Cain?" asked Haruna as she leaned back and raised an eyebrow.

"Interesting question-yo!" said Chao as she raised a finger. "If you'll follow me, I'll be able to tell you more." She beckoned Haruna towards the supercomputer.

Haruna narrowed her eyes but slowly followed, leading her golems in a v-shaped formation.

Chao sat on a swivel-chair in front of the large keyboard and began typing. A map of Mahora opened on the display and a list of students was called up. "If you have a look at Mahora's records, you will see ..." She jabbed a key hard.

The display turned red and a glass tube rose around Chao as she pulled her hand back. Chao swivelled to face Haruna with a grin. "... that I've upgraded the lab's security system-yo!

The red screen displayed the message, "Intruder alert!" which it began reading aloud in robotic, repetitive monotone as weapon turrets rose around the laboratory.

Haruna turned from side-to-side wildly as an increasing number of weapons pointed at her and her golems.

Chao wiggled her fingers in a wave as she smiled and the chair lowered into the floor, taking her with it. "Zaijan!"

(/)

Evangeline practically skipped as she whistled innocently, leading Amalthea to her basement with one hand and holding the book with the other. Amalthea had to lean forward due to the height difference, but despite the awkwardness of the resulting gait, she had a smile on her face.

They entered the resort and Eva froze and scowled as she starred at the mess. "I have got to get the other Chacha units to clean this up." She smiled. "But no matter! We have more important matters to attend to."

She led Amalthea into a large room and began marking the floor with chalk. Soon she had created an almost perfect magic circle, full of intersecting lines at carefully measured angles. She looked up and discovered that the reason that it was almost perfect was that Amalthea had been following her around, smudging the chalk.

"What are you doing, you stupid, stupid robot!-?" Eva cried as she flung her arms up and down. "Now I have to start all over again!"

Amalthea tilted her head and opened her mouth in the shape of an "O". Then she straightened her head, smiled and clapped.

Eva placed her head in her palm and then looked up again. "Look!" She dragged Amalthea back to her original spot. Then she held onto her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I need you to stay here for the spell to work anyway, so just wait here." She lowered her hands.

Amalthea grinned and began clapping again.

Eva took a step backwards while facing Amalthea. Amalthea took a step forwards.

"No!" said Eva as she leaned forward and pointed at Amalthea. "Bad robot!" She walked back again and pressed on Amalthea's shoulders until she was sitting on the floor. "Sit! Stay!" She began to walk away and Amalthea simply cocked her head. "Good robot!"

Eva completed the circle once again and raised a hand. She gave a smile. Finally a technically unliving being that her own powers had had no part in the creation of had fallen into her lap. While previous attempt at using this spell had all failed, this time, there was no reason why it would not work. As dark magic swirled around the room, she chanted, "Lic lac la lac lilac! O maledictionis exaudi precem meam! Sed reddam et retribuam in debita mea! Considera quod mutatum est, et sunt similes! Et ipsa reliqui! Ministerium meum finite!"

Evangeline grinned as the final flash of light went off. A bubble of magic burst from the resort and quickly grew out from the cabin. It swept along the school with none being any wiser. One-by-one, all class lists and records with Eva's name and/or photo were replaced by those of Karakuri Amalthea.

Eva raised her head to the ceiling, curled her fingers into claws and laughed. "Mwahahahahahahahahaha! I'm finally free!"

She froze. A glint had caught her eye and she turned to face it. There, on the edge of the room, watching the whole proceedings, was one of Asakura's cameras. Eva scowled and grit her teeth. She grabbed the camera with one of her strings and yanked it into her hands where she crushed it. "Asakura!" she screeched. "Where are you hiding!-? Come out or I'll hunt you down!"

(/)

The slime girls and their harem walked through the portal and into the ruins of the Old Ostian Palace.

"Wow. This place is a dump, " said Eiko.


End file.
